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  • Robert Ullman
MovieLine has a great post up pointing out 7 threatened fanboy reactions to the new Twilight movie. When New Moon nearly unseated The Dark Knight's opening weekend box-office record, the boy-nerds got their fan-panties in a bunch.

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Not only do they have to do egregious things to retain their manhood from the castration-like trauma of watching the film—one reviewer "ran out of the theater" with his "manhood somewhat intact" and was forced to watch "HOURS of lesbian porn" to get over the pain of sitting through a movie and remind himself that he is a man—but they also take the opportunity to drag out old war stories of women who done them wrong, like Massawyrm from Ain't It Cool News:

I dated a girl like Bella once. Thank god they make medication for girls like that now…Yeah, Bella Swan is textbook; farm raised, corn fed cocktease bemoaning her pathetic lot in life. That women identify with her at all troubles me…If you see this, see it with beer or with promise of sex afterward. Just don’t let her lather up your dong in body glitter. You have to draw the line somewhere.

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I know there are all kinds of creepy Mormon undertones to Twilight, but these jackasses are actually making me side with the movie. Let's look specifically at the biggest problem with the second review. Bella isn't a "cocktease"—she's the only character in the whole goddamned book/movie who actually wants to have sex. Unless Massawyrm is saying that Bella wanting to be a non-sexual friend with Jacob is teasing his cock, in which case fuck off, Massawrym.

Seriously, nerd-men. Are your weenies so teeny that you have to get threatened when women's sci-fi/fantasy is successful? Are you going to give the girls noogies out on the playground after lunch? There are plenty of legitimate reasons to hate Twilight; cooties is not one of them.