I've been dating my current boyfriend for about 8 months. When we started out, it was very hot and heavy. We get along very well, he is funny, charming, good-looking, an amazing and attentive lover, and all the things I could ever want in a partner. You can wake him up at 5 AM for awesome sex, you can cry on his shoulder if someone is mean to you at work. However, several red flags have led me to believe that things will not work out long term and this guy isn't "The One." He doesn't feel comfortable around my friends, he hasn't been entirely faithful to me, his family and mine do not mesh, and he doesn't seem to keen on finding out more about me. I get the vibe he thinks after we get married I will basically fit into his life and nothing I did before I met him will really matter that much. This is a huge problem since I am from the city, he's from the country, we are different ethnicities, different religions, etc. and while I'm willing to make it work, he doesn't seem to even recognize the need to reconcile these differences.
I am terrified of divorce and/or marrying the wrong person. I am looking for a stable, happy life, a strong marriage like the one my parents have, and I don't see him in the future I want for myself. I know my life with him would be good, but it would just mean giving up on a lot of dreams of my own. However, he's a great boyfriend and I'm madly in love with him. I've brought this issue up to him, and he agrees that dating-for-dating's-sake is stupid because you may miss on the right person if you're tied to a partner you are somewhat ambivalent about. However, he feels sick of having to tell me why to stay, and that if I don't know why, it's best that I go. I hated telling him how I felt and hearing him become upset was too much, and I just want to bury my feelings and forget the whole damn thing. Worst of all, because I'm not happy, my eye has already started to wander. I'm interested in someone that I think would be more compatible, but obviously I can't replace an eight month relationship with this other person I just met, nor do I want to. I just want to make the right decision. I am lucky to have met such a nice guy, and I don't want to run away just because it isn't perfect. Then again, my gut is telling me this isn't the right guy for me. Am I asking too much? Should I really break the heart of someone I love because I feel it's not quite right? My stomach is knots, he is coming over on Friday and I have no idea what I'm going to say. Am I an ungrateful bitch who deserves to be alone for the rest of her life? Or am I just upset because dumping someone is never fun?
Confused in Chicago
My response after the jump...
Hm... compatibility is important, CIC, and it sounds like you guys are pretty compatible. You get along, you love him, he loves you, the sex is great. Families don't mesh? Eh, that's too bad, but few families do. And so long as he doesn't try to keep you from hanging out with your friends, and so long as you don't try to stop him from hanging out with this, the "not comfortable around my friends" issue is thoroughly surmountable. Spend time together with the friends you both enjoy, spend time alone with the friends you don't.
The cheating (he hasn't been entirely faithful?) and his disinterest in you as a person (he doesn't seem to keen on finding out more about you?) are more problematic, CIC, but the biggest red flag here is your ambivalence. If this is how you're feeling at eight months—and if your eye is wandering at eight months—then it's time to pack it in.