In your recent column you talk about issues with anal sex. I need your advice with an issue similar to the one NEA was having.

I'm a gay 20 year old with a boyfriend of almost two years. We're each others first real relationship and we've had so much fun and we're so in love and blah blah blah. However, we broke up 3 months ago but got back together within hours. The issue that broke us up, the only real issue, is that we're not sexually compatible.

He's an exclusive top and I'm versatile but neither of us had enough sexual experience to have known that when we began our relationship. We started with him just topping and no issues came up until I wanted to fuck him. He didn't want to but I eventually got him to try it. We tried and it hurt him too bad. I discovered after a couple of tries that he had a few hemmorhoids which I immediately blamed for the pain he was experiencing and eventually got him to have them removed. After the hemmorhoids were removed, I figured I could fuck him no problem. Not the case. I've got a sizeable girth and he blamed that for the pain. So, just like you advised ANAL, we bought toys to try and lessen the pain for him. It was a tough situation. We tried to sexualize the dildos but neither of us could get into it. It took him a while to prepare everything which made it difficult to stay into the whole thing over a 10-25 minute ordeal. But we did discover that using the dildos DID help ease the pain. So, after a large amount of work, we were able to develop a routine where I could fuck him every once in a while with a relative amount of comfort for both of us.

When we broke up, he confessed that he hated taking it because it caused him so much pain. In fact, he expressed that sometimes he would get scared when we were messing around because he thought i might want to end up fucking him. He was afraid of me fucking him. When we got back together, he had said that he would no longer take it because he shouldn't be afraid of sex. I agree. He shouldn't be afraid of sex but don't I have a right to get my sexual needs met without compromising on monogamy? I don't want to end our relationship but I don't want to have an unfulfilling sex life either.

Anal Sex Situation

My response after the jump...

Do you have right to get your sexual needs met?

In a word, ASS: no. No, you don't.

You do have a right to try and get your sexual needs met, ASS, and it sounds like you've tried and tried and tried. But at this stage it's clear—or it should to be clear—that you can't have your boyfriend and top him too. So you're either going to have to compromise on your sexual needs (going without topping) or compromise on monogamy (you can top other guys).

Some guys don't/can't bottom, ASS, and the boy you're in love with is one of those guys. If you want to be with him, be with him. If you don't, don't. But not being able to top is the price of admission here, ASS, i.e. it's the price you'll have to pay to ride this ride. If you don't want to pay that price—if topping is too important to you—then you'll have to get off this ride.

And for the record: not even people who "compromise on monogamy" get all their sexual needs met. No one gets everything he wants. No one is 100% fulfilled sexually or otherwise, no one avoids paying some price or making some sacrifice to be with the person he loves. True love—lasting love, ASS, monogamous or not—requires compromise.