I read your column about non-acting pedophiles and it made me wonder about your thoughts on other controversial sex acts. Let's say, hypothetically, that I or someone I know is hella into bestiality. Let's also say, hypothetically, that I or someone I know never acted upon this desire to sexually molest a dog. Let us also say that I or someone I know got their own apartment and adopted a dog and happened to accidentally—seriously: accidentally—adopt what might be the only lesbian zoophiliac dog in the world. Let's tack on there that this hypothetical person was masturbating one day, sans sheets, and the dog jumped right up there and dove in like it was Thanksgiving Dinner, giving our hypothetical friend a small heart attack and a large orgasm.

Was it evil? Is it rape if your dog rams her head against your legs in an attempt to get at your vagina? Is there something wrong with the dog or are some dogs just into that shit? Should this person just renew their faith in a loving higher power that they should receive a dog that likes the flavor of vaginas?

Bestiality Isn't This Crazy Hypothetical

My response after my jump.

I can't leave my underwear on the floor because this dog that lives in my house—it's not my dog—will lick and chew his way through the crotch, destroying my underwear in the process. (I remember when I discovered this lovely trait: a freezing cold January morning, and I pull on the pair of underwear I'd left sitting on the floor the night before. Oh, there's nothing like a crotch full of freezing cold dog slobber to get your heart pumping first thing in the morning. Who needs coffee?)

Which is to say, BITCH, a dog will eat pretty much anything—its own puke, my dirty underwear, your hypothetical friend's ostensible pussy—if said anything is left where the dog can get at it.

Color me unconvinced, BITCH. I'm not convinced that you/your hypothetical friend are/is the luckiest pet owner in the whole history of dog adoptions by secret zoophiles. I'm not convinced that coincidence alone accounts for you/your friend "lucking into" a dog that likes the flavor of vaginas. The dog may well have jumped up on the bed and initiated oral by jamming its nose into your/your friend's crotch. But dogs are always jamming their noses into crotches, BITCH, as absolutely everyone on Earth damn well knows, and dogs will eat pretty much anything, as my chewed up underwear damn well demonstrates. So when you/your friend began "masturbating one day, sans sheets," legs no doubt spread wide in front of the new dog, BITCH, you/she knew that many/most dogs would consider that an invitation to dive in like it was Thanksgiving dinner.

Was it evil?

Man, I hate that question. We eat animals every day without their consent—I'm enjoying the earthly remains of a dearly departed chicken right now myself—so it seems just a tad... I don't know... hypocritical... to insist that it's wrong to let animals eat us because they can't consent. But I don't think people should sex up animals generally, BITCH, and if people are sexing up animals I don't want to hear about it particularly. You/your friend aren't/isn't doing anyone any real harm, and what other people don't know about your/her relationship with your/her dog... well... it's not going to kill 'em.

It could wind up killing the dog though: dogs that are sexually aggressive, or have been sexually abused, are very hard to place in new homes. Could be an issue if you/your friend dies before the dog, or if the dog has be placed in a new home for whatever reason.

And, of course, ick.