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Tim Burton's new two-hour Hot Topic commercial film is nothing special.

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Man, fuck the macabre. The macabre has so out-macabred itself that it’s come all the way around and it’s basically a Ziggy cartoon. Tim Burton’s long-awaited Alice in Wonderland adaptation manages—somehow, despite the best efforts of a strangely elongated Crispin Glover and Helena Bonham Carter’s comic genius—to suck every drop of lonesome eeriness and giddy humor out of its source material and replace it with limp but marketable emotional pap.

Read the whole review—and join in the comments, where Burton fans are suggesting I "pursue a livelihood other than film review"—HERE.