Also, happy St. Patrick's Day.

"Unfortunately, the Republicans are a little bit like the boy who killed his two parents and then wants sympathy because they're an orphan." House Democrats consider controversial measure to pass health care reform.

Death By Chocolate! "If bin Laden is found, he'll be killed," says Attorney General.

"Shut Up and Ration Your Pringles." Gusty winds turn a 6 hour flight into a 16 hour fucking nightmare.

I Hear Glendale's Nice This Time of Year. Angry at being called out on one little genocide, Turkey threatens to deport 100,000 Armenians.

Also, If You Eat Enough Beef, You Get X-Ray Vision! Historians object to proposed changes to Texas social studies textbooks. "The curriculum downplays the role of Thomas Jefferson among the founding fathers, questions the separation of church and state and says that the U.S. government was infiltrated by communists during the Cold War."

You Complete Me: Netanyahu and Ahmadinejad are best frenemies 4ever. "The hardline Israeli prime minister and the fiery Iranian president seem to feed each other rhetorical ammunition to whip up fears that bolster them in domestic politics and beyond."

Sad. Cornell University responds to three suspected student suicides in one month.

Joke's on Them 'Cause He's a Vampire. Thai protestors throw blood at the Prime Minister's house.

"In the last couple months, the Catholic Church gotten a whole lot sexier."* The pope announces he's planning to make a plan to at some point write a letter addressing sexual abuse scandal. (Thanks!)

On My List of "Ways to Die," This Is Right Above Raped to Death By a Centaur. Ten killed in machete attack in Nigerian village.

My Garbage Can Fell Over. Wind occurred yesterday.

Da Watrz R Rzng LOL! O Wait m cat drownd. :( The only way to get teenagers to stop texting is to tell them they're going to die in a flood. "Texting would be hard to do sandbagging but it doesn't matter because all my friends are here anyway."

"Corey Feldman didn't even show up, his best friend. That's crap." Friends, family, and fans say goodbye to Corey Haim.

*"Y'know, they're God's representatives, so that means...God fucks little boys."