It turns out that God has a Yahoo account, and he sent me an e-mail (all ((sic)) this morning:

Subject: Paul this is God, I don't much like you, Please read

Dear Paul,

Wow what a great column....I am sending a memo to the pope right now to expediate your request!

So declaring yourself a non believer in me I have a few requests.

1.) Do not call on me to save you when the BIG ONE shakes Seattle. Which you don't know but will soon hit your city.

2.) Do not seek comfort in me during tragedy, terrorism or if you happen to be possessed by demons. Do not be afraid....for you there is nothing after life just blackness. Wow what a depressing though for you.

3.) Do not blame me for the world's ills for I do not exist in your mind , therefore it is stupid to blame a non existing entity. That would make you stupid or crazy.

4.) Do not cry out my name during sex, that is just silly. Please don't point fingers at the priests when Cmon Paul, we all know you ogle young fifteen old girls on the bus with cleavage showing. We all know you would fondle one of these girls if they only could be attracted to you. (or boys - doesn't matter which Paul) Please get consent too before you soil yourself with animals.

5.) Please Paul, ignore all the good in the world the Catholic and Protestant churches do in charity. Please do not accept the help of the red cross after the BIG ONE. I wouldn't want you tainted by christian ideals in that blanket or jug of water. Do not accept their help, it is evil. In fact...Only accept the help of Stranger's readers to clothe and shelter you ...hahaha GOOD LUCK with that one buddy!

6.Thank you Paul for spreading tolerance and love in your hatred of all things religious! It is refreshing to see, you with all your compassion are alomst....dare I say Christlike!

7. Good Luck in your search for love and peace Paul!!


Your friend.....God ...or the figment of your imagination!

Dear God,

I was hoping you'd be a better writer. Here are my responses to some of your more coherent points:

3: I don't blame you for anything. You don't exist. I blame your followers in the administration of the Catholic Church for a whole lot, especially the boy-diddling, rights-stealing ones.

4: The last time I fondled a 15-year-old, I was 16. I have no sexual interest in underage boys or girls. That's why I'm not a priest. And may I say that your concern with, and apparent tendency to fantasize about, my deviant sex life is more than a little alarming? Would you like a tissue, God? That stuff gets sticky when it dries.

6: There are good religious people everywhere. Many of my friends and family are Christians and Catholics. But as a rule, good people do not happen to become priests, bishops, cardinals, or popes in important positions in the Catholic Church. The Catholic Church as a business tends to favor child rapists, apologists for child rapists (like you) and hatemongers (also like you).

7: Thanks! You too!

Hi-ho,
Paul Bobby Constant