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Highly recommended: Skipping Mexico, going to Palm Springs instead (shorter, cheaper flight), spending a week in the 87-degree California sunshine doing nothing except reading, listening to music, eating ceviche, drinking, and swimming. Also, being in a hammock. The Ace Hotel and Swim Club is one of the few non-depressing, not-filled-with-old-people places in Palm Springs, and people drive out from LA just to spend the day by this pool, and bring their dogs and tattoos and facial hair with them. (It's just the fashion, guys. Don't hate.) I admit a huge reason I went to Palm Springs is because the ad for the Ace that's been appearing in The Stranger worked its magic on me. Also, friends were going. Heterosexuals. I'm probably the first gay human in history to spend five days in Palm Springs and not get laid.

Not so recommended: Discussing one's not-getting-laid with one's friends by saying, "What I need is an iPhone so I can get Grindr," which will inevitably prompt your female friend to say, "I have an iPhone—what's Grindr?" For the non-gays: Grindr is an app that shows you thumbnail photos of all the gay dudes closest to you, and when you click on a photo tells you exactly how many feet from you they are, using GPS. Within moments your friend will have downloaded Grindr, taken a photo of you, and begun chatting with random guys, trying to get you a date in the hotel bar. Then, when you go out to dinner in a dull restaurant later on, and look over at your friend who's not speaking, you will realize it's because she's chatting on Grindr under the table, still pretending to be you. There is no straight-person equivalent to Grindr, and ladies are fascinated by it. Then, after dinner, back at the hotel, sitting on an outdoor patio by a fire pit, she might finally get lucky—someone's interested. "And it says he's 14 feet away!" There is only a pic of his abs. They are nice abs. But don't get too excited: You're being fucked with. It's just one of the friends of friends from Los Angeles, another woman, and she's been leading on gay guys all day, including your friend pretending to be you. Women are on Grindr now, guys, and they are fucking with you. Just thought you should know.