You know what I love? Babies. I adore things I can interact with and control, and I admire how young they are. But, like many people on staff, I'm not equipped to handle their violent mood swings and constant guilt trips.

And so I'm a little skeptical about this sea monkey business (sorry, Dom). What the fuck do sea monkeys actually do? I'm pretty certain you can't teach a sea monkey to speak or feel shame, like you could a baby.

That's why, instead of getting excited about our new mascot, I've ordered one of my own—a Russian bride. I've learned these shy creatures are "generally artistic and have a great affinity for nature." Also, "they walk everywhere!"

She will also be arriving in five to ten business days.

In the meantime, I'm busy reading up on her culture, so we'll have tons to talk about. Hurray for mascots!