Dang it. And we were this close to realizing every last item on the radical homosexual agenda. Because, like, once you have a warehouse full of petitions you're pretty much unfuckingstoppable:

One stormy night I drove to a mailshop hidden deep in a nearly deserted stand of warehouses. I'd heard something was up and wanted to see for myself. As I rounded the final turn my eyes nearly popped. Tractor-trailers pulled up to loading docks, cars and vans everywhere and long-haired, earring-pierced men scurrying around running forklifts, inserters and huge printing presses.

Trembling with worry I went inside. It was worse than I ever imagined. Row after row of boxes bulging with pro-homosexual petitions lined the walls, stacked to the ceiling. My mind reeled as I realized hundreds, maybe thousands, more boxes were already loaded on the tractor-trailers. And still more petitions were flying off the press.

Suddenly a dark-haired man screeched, "Delgaudio what are you doing here?" Dozens of men began moving toward me. I'd been recognized. As I retreated to my car, the man chortled, "This time Delgaudio we can't lose."

Driving away, my eyes filled with tears as I realized he might be right. This time the Radical Homosexuals could win.

Wait a minute—long-haired, earring-pierced men? Those are my favorite kind and they're really hard to find. Most homos today have short hair and earrings are out. It kinda makes me think that Eugene Delgaudio, the District Supervisor in Sterling, Virginia, from whose fundraising letter the above was lifted, just might be making all of this up. Full text of Delgaudio's fundraising letter is here. Here's one item from the radical homosexual agenda that Delgaudio cites:

Same-sex marriages and adoptions. Wedding-gown clad men smooching before some left-wing clergy or state official is just the beginning. You'll see men hand-in-hand skipping down to adoption centers to "pick out" a little boy for themselves

When I married my long-haired, earring-pierced boyfriend (well, he had long hair and earrings back when we met), I was wearing jeans and t-shirt. So was he. And I remember the adoption process being long and complicated, but I don't recall any skipping involved. And handholding was handled by the adoption agency. And while we wound up with a little boy (now a not-so-little boy), and while we couldn't imagine being anyone else's dads, we didn't pick him. His mother picked us. And gay people have been adopting kids for decades in the absence of marriage rights, so it's not like allowing same-sex couples to marry will result in gay couples skipping down to adoption centers.

But anyway: yeah, the radical homosexual agenda—scary! And we would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling district supervisors! (Now where is that warehouse exactly? And did you get any of those boys' phone numbers?)