I came all the way from hell to swan around in this silly dress. And rape you.
  • "I came all the way from hell to swan around in this silly dress. And rape you."
You know how our current pope thinks it's totally cool when grown men touch little boys' buttholes? What a kook! Is he the worst pope ever? In this series, I'll be counting down history's shittiest pontiffs to try and find out. Join me!


Pope Benedict IX (popin' off and on between 1032 and 1048) was kind of an awesome dickhead. Born Theophylactus of Tusculum (which, as everyone knows, is also the name of the muscle that keeps your butthole closed), Dick-9 was—according to some other jerks—a rapist, a murderer, and "the only man ever to have sold the papacy":

St. Peter Damian described him as "feasting on immorality" and "a demon from hell in the disguise of a priest" in the Liber Gomorrhianus. The Catholic Encyclopedia calls him "a disgrace to the Chair of Peter."

Pope Victor III in his third book of Dialogues, referred to "his rapes, murders and other unspeakable acts. His life as a pope so vile, so foul, so execrable, that I shudder to think of it.

Pope Dick the Ninth: A shitty pope and a shitty guy!