Snow White and the Seven Paternity Tests, by Mark Velazquez
  • Snow White and the Seven Paternity Tests, by Mark Velazquez
At the appointed hour [the obscene 11 pm], the chubbiest, reddest clichébaby in history will emerge from the vagina of the Bravo network, spawned by the union of art and reality television. I am ready. I want screaming fights about sculpture and sensitive-painter egos lashed by turpentine judges' tongues! I want to drink whenever I hear the words "interpretation" and "conceptual"!

Seattle Erotic Art Festival Presents: Auction Beltane! Join us May 1st for a sexy, delicious evening.
Tickets $15-$250. Aphrodesia delivery menu, incredible auction items, live streamed performances.

Bonus: This Sarah Jessica Parker-produced thing features a Cornish grad named Mark Velazquez, who takes pictures of ladies! (Ladies doing fantastical things, it should be said.)

My whole column on Work of Art—how many episodes do you give it?—is here. The reward is $100,000 for the winning artist, and a solo show at the Brooklyn Museum. The show's host is China Chow.

Other contestants include: glossy-haired Jaime Lynn from Lawton, Oklahoma, who took "Best in Show at the Skin Exhibition in Oklahoma City" and who is, according to, "a devout Christian... inspired by her own struggle to embrace an existence of vapid glitz and fame, juxtaposed by her desire to lead a virtuous and humble life."

Oh I've got your Christian struggle right here...

On blogs I keep reading that Work of Art will puncture the pretensions of High Art, which makes me laugh. Puncture it with what? With the sharp, sharp tool of celebrity-driven reality television? Bwahahaha.

This could be the funniest thing to happen to art in a long time, or a bust.

Some choice comments from over on Art Fag City:

That would be fun to watch but seems like the majority of people who would watch a bunch of artists are the kind of people who don’t have cable. Lol.

I anticipate a really dumb show in which the uninformed are going to abuse the uninitiated.

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The exposure to what goes on in the Art World (yes, even with cameras everywhere and clever editing) will result in entertainment for the masses and vicarious vindication for artists who work in their respective mediums…brand new armchair art critics will be born!

The world changes a week from today.