Long time reader first time mailer.
A long while ago you wrote an incredible piece of general advice for teenage boys. The advice was excellent, so excellent that I printed it out to keep in case I ever had a son. Well, years later, I have a son. But I have since moved a gazillion times and across several continents and no longer have that precious piece of paper. OK, so my son is only nine months old but I am worried that by the time he is a teenager you will have retired to some fancy ranch where you will spend your days raising organic cattle, being nasty to the local genetically modified wheat farmers, and passing the afternoons on the porch sipping gin from a tea cup while terrorizing the local boys with a super soaker.
Any chance you could send me the link or article if you can find it? I know that I, my partner and my son will appreciate it when the time comes.
GGG Lady Lover and a Mama
Wait—they're genetically modifying wheat farmers now too? That concerns me, GGGLLAAM, but it's no excuse to be nasty. As for that column—or the version of it I found via Google—it's after the jump...
I am a 15-year-old boy and I've never had a girlfriend and I wanted to ask you personally, how do you get girls? Like the best way to get them, so they think I am interesting. I await your orders.—Teenager Going To Waste
There's nothing I enjoy more than ordering around the odd teenage boy, TGTW, which I've been doing in this space since you were packin' diapers. In fact, a couple of years back I gave orders to a 15-year-old boy who asked pretty much the same question: How do I get girls? A lot of people wrote in to tell me they thought my response was terrific—that kid should be about 18 now, and if he took my advice he should be up to his eyebrows in pussy—so I'm going to give you the same advice I gave him…
You're having a hard time getting girls. That sucks. I remember what it was like when I was 15 and wanted boys and couldn't get any. It sucked. But the sad fact is that most 15-year-old boys are repulsive—that is, most 15-year-old boys are awkward, half-formed works-in-progress. The fact that girls physically mature more quickly than boys means most girls your age already look like young women and they're attracted to older boys—and there you are, aching for your first girlfriend, but still looking like a short, hairless chimp.
But don't despair, TGTW. Your awkward/repulsive stage will pass. In the meantime here's what you need to do: Worry less about getting your 15-year-old self laid and start thinking about getting your 18- or 20-year-old self laid. Join a gym and get yourself a body that girls will find irresistible; read so that you'll have something to say to girls (the best way to make girls think you're interesting is to actually be interesting); and get out of the house and do shit—political shit, sporty shit, arty shit—so that you'll meet different kinds of girls in different kinds of settings and become comfortable talking with them.
Some more orders: Get a decent haircut and use deodorant and floss your teeth and take regular showers and wear clean clothes. Go online and read all about birth control and STDs, and learn enough about female anatomy that you'll be able to find a clitoris in the dark. Masturbate in moderation—no more than 10 times a day—and vary your masturbatory routine. I can't emphasize this last point enough. A vagina does not feel like a clenched fist, TGTW, nor does a mouth, an anus, tit fucking, dry humping, or e-stim. If you don't want to be sending me another pathetic letter in five years complaining about your inability to come unless you're beating your own meat, TGTW, you will vary your routine now so that you'll be able to respond to different kinds of sexual stimulation once you do start getting the girls.
Good luck, kiddo.
The whole column is here.