Dear Person or People,

The squirrel who likes to come dig up every inch of my planters finding the perfect place to hide the peanuts you give him—then come back and redig every inch to find them because his brain is very small—is driving me bananas. The peanuts are in the shell and they are perfect: He looks like he just came from the goddamn Mariners game. A squirrel should have to work a little for his food; this is what keeps the squirrels from taking over the world. You are upsetting the balance of nature. Please stop.

Best,
Bethany