Jesus can turn water into wine, walk on water, raise the dead—he can even turn the gayest man in America straight...

God's not having my gangrene in heaven. But this screaming queen's ascot scarf—yeah, that's getting in.

I ask you again, America: Ex-gays.... would you let your daughter marry one? And, I mean, if someone is really and truly straight now—praise be to God—shouldn't that straight guy spend a minute or to extolling the super amazing heroin-like properties of pussy? Being straight isn't a technicality—it's not about not having a dick in your mouth right now or loving Jesus to pieces or taking the bible literally (except for all the parts you don't)—it's about being sexually attracted to women... isn't it?

And my goodness: cages, locks, whips... "a man's seed is not meant to eat crap and die." This guy's got some interesting issues.