I've been married now for eight years. I do love my wife and I think she loves me too. We both work our asses off to support each other. We have a great relationship in almost every way except, of course, sexually. Almost from the moment we walked down the aisle, sex all of a sudden was off. Initially it might have been once every couple of months, but over the years it grew to nothing at all ever. Maybe once in a blue moon. Seriously we have, in the past, gone more than a year without making love.
I approached her about it and how ugly, inadequate and unwanted it made me feel whenever she'd pull away from me. I also told her at an early point in our relationship that I'd never expect her to just fuck me for the sake of "pleasing" me, that I didn't want to be that type of husband. That I wanted it to be about her want's and needs also. Eventually she admitted that she just wasn't into sex. She found it a chore, boring and kind of pointless. Needless to say this worked wonders on my self esteem and confidence. I guess I've never been totally honest with her about how this all made me feel but I just got on with it. Swept it all under the carpet.
Now the issue is kids.
She want's to get pregnant, surprise of surprises. Sex is on the agenda again—but only when she's ovulating and it's pretty much lay-there-and-give-it-to-me stuff. She jokes about it: "Are you ready to make a deposit?" That would be funny if we had a normal healthy sex life all along, but now I just get the feeling that I'm nothing more than a donor. Recently after a night out we came home and started fooling around, but after 10 mins of kissing and cuddling she more or less turned over said, "Sorry honey, I'm tired and besides I'm not ovulating," and she went to sleep. I went and poured myself a glass of whiskey and tried not to sob my heart out.
I've wanted to write to you for years about our lack of a sex life, the way it makes me feel and why she doesn't find me sexually attractive, because you are honest in your responses to people, but like dealing with my wife and this subject I just push it under the rug and "get on" with things. But the current situation is really fucking up my head. I am drinking more. And I work in an enviorment where there is always the possibility of fooling around with good looking women. But I want to be able to fool around with my wife. I do want kids. I want to spend the rest of my life with my wife. She's gorgeous and loving in almost every other way.
In the past I've thought about other women and even convinced myself that it would be okay to screw around because of all this. But then I'd be a fucking scumbag. One other thing worth mentioning is that I know should she get pregnant and have a baby it's pretty obvious to me that sex will be off the agenda again and we'll be right back where we started. I get the feeling from reading you every week that this isn't uncommon. It even seems to have become an accepted part of married life that men just suck it up and get on with sexless lives. I would love to have the adventurous, fantasy, role-playing, GGG sex lives that your readers ask you about week in week out, but I'd be happy with plain old vanilla sex even once a month.
By the way, I'm 31 years old. Surely this is the time when we should be both enjoying each other sexually. Any advice you have would be great. I'm getting close to cracking up.
Finally Reaching Out
My response after the jump...
Your wife is the scumbag here, FRO, not you.
If you want to remain married to her—and I'm not saying you should—inform the wife that you're happy to start a family with her and that you'll dutifully make your deposits. But tell her that once those emissions are accomplished, FRO, you will seek out other sex partners. You have sexual needs, needs you had hoped she would meet, needs she lead you to believe she wanted to meet. Since she isn't interested in meeting those needs, you have no choice but to get those needs met elsewhere, i.e. to sex with other women, with women who want to have sex with you, with women who actually like sex and find you attractive.
A sexless life—for you—is not an option.
Reassure the wife that you want to be with her forever—if that's what you want—and that you look forward to parenting with her. But put her on notice: the time to tell you she wasn't interested in sex was before the wedding, not after. She can continue to claim you as her husband, if that's what she wants, but she has no claim on your dick, which she clearly doesn't want, even if she does have designs on your spunk at the moment.
Look, FRO, she's already deprived you a lot. Don't let her deprive you of your sanity or your sobriety.
And remember: you are the victim here. You are the wronged party. You've been subjected to years of emotional violence and a kind of sexual abuse. If you love the wife despite the way she's violated and abused you and you want to stay with her, well, that's your call. But before you make a kid with her you must renegotiate the terms of your marriage contract.
She can have a sexless marriage, if that's what she wants. But you don't have to endure a sexless life because you were foolish enough to marry her.