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Jul 7, 2010 1:30 PM
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It's also worthwhile for WIBEA to ask himself if a time might ever come when he really, really wants the freedom that she's offering him to sleep with other women. Even if it doesn't seem so appealing now, it probs will at some point. So he might wind up happier if he makes the effort to get comfortable with his girlfriend's non-monogamous ways.
A lot.
Then you won't feel so bad.
And they're more like finely tuned luxury automobiles that purr.
If you do it right.
It could be my Catholic upbringing, feelings of inadequacy - I don't really care why - but I couldn't handle it. Like @1 says, it's going to be a lot easier for her to find willing partners than it is for him, so this has the potential to be disastrous.
I agree with Dan's standard message that monogamy isn't for everyone, so open relationships would be good for many couples. However, some people are totally down with monogamy, and their relationship is much better "closed". This guy sounds like one of those people for whom monogamy is better.
Never? I don't think there are any hard and fast rules in relationships, let alone open relationships. Let's be realistic - when you let other men fuck your girl, you risk losing her, and no man or woman can honestly guarantee they won't fall for another person who's fucking them in all the right ways.
Look, I'm sure Ryan's book is good, and he's right that monogamy isn't for everyone, but he comes off as condescending, especially in that last sentence: "look for someone whose views on monogamy are less challenging for you." Less challenging? Like the guy is simply too dull or too unevolved to handle the advancement of being non-monogamous? Fuck you. Some people don't want multiple partners, some do, neither is better or worse than the other. Just try to make sure you pair up with someone who's in the same camp.
Oh, and #1's point is dead on perfect.
Maybe 'never' is too strong a word, but if she leaves him just because someone else is better in bed, that's pretty shallow on her part - which it doesn't sound like she's prone to being given the limited information we have.
A couple of things, "when you let other men fuck your girl..." is not quite the right way to think about it. You do not own your girlfriend's vagina (and other bits). Every time you have sex with her, it is because she's letting you fuck her again. Every time should be a conscious decision on her part, even if it's the hundredth time.
As for falling for other people, this happens sans genital contact quite often. People who like the same bands you do, enjoy the same activities you do, maybe felt the same or right way about Lee Harvey Oswald, Where the Wild Things Are, or American Idol - I think these factors contribute more strongly to a significant other falling for someone else.
I'm not saying sex isn't factor, but it isn't the only one that makes people fall in love.
Also the guest expert was very condescending of the letter writer. This was a poor choice of guest expert.
Quite true. If this guy wants to only have sex with his girlfriend, and no one else, there's nothing wrong with that. It's neither dull nor unevolved.
The part that's dull and unevolved is when he starts to decide that, because she's in a relationship with him, she has to constrict her desires to meet his needs. That's based in insecurity and jealousy. That's when someone's views on monogamy can challenge you.
WTBIE, I had those same sick feelings every time he went out on a date. It took me at LEAST a year to get comfortable with polyamory, but my boyfriend was there for me in some pretty crucial ways during that time. First, he never ever backed down from what he needed. Second, he validated my feelings of fear and jealousy and abandonment EVERY TIME I felt them. Third, he always reassured me that he wasn't leaving and that his other relationships didn't devalue ours.
It took me at least a year to get really comfortable with the way things are. And it took counseling. We both made a lot of compromises so that we could be comfortable. I've never worked so hard on a relationship, and I've never been happier in a relationship. I am with someone who IS WHAT HE SAYS HE IS. And I am with someone who respects my emotional needs and wants and helps me to deal with them. All of them, not just the ones about poly.
WTBIE, your girlfriend sounds like a winner. Try what she's asking you to try if she's as great as you think she is. Understand that it won't be easy. But few things that are worth it are.
As @1 points out, she will have a far easier timer getting laid on the side than you will. Being in a relationship like this will likely hurt your chances with other women; guys she is interested in most likely won't care.
And as @16 points out, you could easily say she is the one making it all about the sex.
When someone goes out on a limb to tell you this sort of thing, they mean it. She isn't going to change- she's gonna fuck other guys. And I doubt WITBEA is going to lose his distaste for the notion.
I think it's best to dump her. There is no shortage of monogamous women, WITBEA.
I happen to be one of those people who doesn't understand monogamy all that well, it doesn't mean I'm jumping at the chance to cheat on a monogamous partner or that I have a line out the block waiting to get into my pants. As a matter of fact, it can be just as hard for poly women to find partners as it is for mono women.
How many partners does this poly gal have? 2, and that's stretching it considering both are FWB arrangements, one of whom I see maybe once a month.
The letter writers seems to want to come to terms with the poly life his girlfriend needs. He loves her, wants to be with her, and is asking advice about how to make it work. The guest expert isn't being condescending, he's giving the guy ways to see if being poly can work for the guy. Of course, Ryan says, if poly doesn't work for you, get out. This level of exploration is beyond a lot of people, especially taking into consideration the posts above. Some relationship dynamics are more challenging than others, it takes a mature person to realize that and deal with what comes up.
@20 - contractors and stay-at-home-dads. Though almost anyone can take a long lunch.
Yeah, I can see that you don't get why people think the response is condescending since you mimicked the exact same thing in your comment.
Polyamory is not superior to monogamy. People who aren't comfortable with it aren't missing out on some OMGWTF amazing shit. So keep your "this exploration is beyond some people" crap to yourself.
See you in a week. Maybe. It's a sad day when Dan Savage spends an entire week belittling people's sexual preferences.
When two people fall for each other who are different ends of a spectrum (poly v. mono, kinky v. vanilla...) it takes a lot of perseverance to make something like that work. Some people aren't up to breaching the gulf between two kinds of world views.
If the poly person wrote in because they wanted to try being monogamous for their partner I think you could apply similar advise. Talk out your feelings, understand where these desires come from, do you love your partner enough to make certain sacrifices or do you feel it's beyond you?
Monogamy is beyond some poly people.
Polygamy is beyond some mono people.
If a partner of mine said being monogamous was the only way we could be together, I would probably try it. I don't know if it's beyond me because it's never been asked of me. But relationships are hard and they all require a certain level of compromise. So I reiterate my initial point:
"Some relationship dynamics are more challenging than others, it takes a mature person to realize that and deal with what comes up."
"Wow, for a place like Slog it's still amazing to me to see all the poly-negative out there."
I see very little, if any, poly-negativeness. But I do see that a lot of people don't react well to the implication that if the monogamous person could only be deep enough, thoughtful enough, sharing enough, intelligent enough, open minded enough, then they would get over their terrible feelings about their SO fucking other people.
"Some relationship dynamics are more challenging than others, it takes a mature person to realize that and deal with what comes up. "
Oh brother....
People who are "self-identified" anything are annoying. And totally narrow.
@9
You are just one big pile of testosterone, aren't you? Your post on so many levels is clueless. Way to confirm every stereotype of the dumbass straight dude. Keep carrying the torch!
But contractors and stay at home dad's are like the only men I would think of that would have adequate time to like cruise for women.
People say relationships take work.
For men, SEX takes work. You have to advertise, market, be swarthy, shameless, heartless and on call and available.
The guy friends that I have that are hoes ... it's a miracle that some of them didn't lose their jobs.
First, what exactly is wrong with linking sex and love? She presumes that she is right and you are wrong, that hers is the better approach. It isn't. It's just what she wants.
Second, she is engaged in making you the one in the wrong here. If you let her frame the debate in those terms, you are going to find yourself dragged kicking and screaming through the whole process, and end up simultaneously hating her for cheating on you and hating yourself because you bought into the idea that you just weren't a big enough person to make the change.
You are not wrong for wanting monogamy. Neither of you are in the wrong for wanting what you want -- but she is in the wrong for assuming that you are the one who needs to change. Both of you, go find someone who already shares your goals, instead of putting one of you through the meat grinder to conform to what the other one wants.
There is no sense of ownership implied by "letting other people fuck your girl".
In many (most?) relationships, whether or not someone gets to have sex outside the relationship is up to their partner. It's not because their partner "owns" their genitals, it's because the partner wants a monogamous commitment, and they respect that.
I'd certainly be up for an extra-marital fling, as would many men I suspect, but I don't fuck around because it would end my marriage, and I don't want to do that. If my wife had a change of heart, she would very much be "letting other people fuck her man."
That said however, for many people, sex and attachment are strongly linked. If you are fucking other people, you are more likely to become emotionally attached to them than if you are maintaining arm's-length sexual and emotional boundaries, and saving your intimacy for your partner.
No idea what you are talking about, or what my post has to do with testosterone. You're just jumping to conclusions about me because you figured me for a straight guy. If it makes you feel good to flame me, go for it.
Re: @37's comment...in my opinion, you just come across as honest....some people don't like honest. I also think most people feel possessive about their partner, regardless of the "political correctness" of that position.
@17 I disagree, I was actually blown away by how "evolved," to use an annoying term, the guest columnist was.
@34 Maybe you read a different post? I didn't hear "belittling," I heard "options."
Personally, the idea of being non-monogamous used to be seen as a deal-breaker for me, like a serious "no second chances" thing. Now, after reading through all the archives, and Dan's books, I don't see it as a black and white thing anymore. Although I've been married for so long that I doubt we will ever attempt anything other than monogamy, anyone who tells you they don't think/fantasize about being with other people is just lying. Maybe if I were more *evolved,* we would have incorporated it into our relationship at the beginning.
It can hurt to think about cutting something off after a 2 year investment, but it might be the best thing for him to do.
When the non-monogamous partner writes in, it's always, "Go ahead and break up with them now because you can't change, but if you want to try to make it work, here are ways to get them to change."
I will admit that I am somewhat jaundiced because most of the "poly" people I know could just as easily be described as "people with poor boundaries and a propensity to act out sexually." I wouldn't choose to be involved with ANY of them because they're just too flaky.
Having said that, I'm sure all you nice poly people posting here are not like my poly acquaintances. I'm sure you're the antithesis of flake.
I might just be logistically easier for a monogamous person TRY non-monogamy. I mean, it's a simple litmus test. Here, fuck someone else, did that feel better? All right play ball.
I can't see the latter really working out all that well. I mean, what are you supposed to say, "hey you try NOT fucking other people for a few years and get back to me on how you feel."
Ultimately the simplest and easiest solution ... and I'm wondering why the hell Dan never picked up on it. If SHE wants to be non-monogomous, then she should do the work to pimp out his bf and get him laid. A nicer well rounded guy, more often than not, is just not going to market himself to women for outside sex. What better way to do it, than get a referral.
Fact, women are just better players than men. Maybe she should just set up all the play dates, she gets to know all the women you would potentially hook up, and sell you accordingly. And be a better gauge for who is and is not available for casual sex.
What holds me back from doing things that I really really really want to do, and which I feel I am in some way entitled to do, and don't see many negative consequences to myself in doing is when I consider that I'll be hurting someone I love if I do whatever.
Not that the feelings of our partners should completely dictate our actions, but we should be ready to take responsibility for those actions.
I didn't particularly feel the need for more relationships, so I can't say I really missed out or lost, but it was interesting to note. Basically, when I was single but dating around, guys approached me regularly. When I was seen dating two steady partners, not so much. When my guys (both married) were seen with a second steady partner, it actually made them *more* attractive and available-looking.
Could be that if he's a good enough catch, once word gets out that he's partly at liberty, the shoe will be on the other foot.
They need to discuss the issues of pregnancy, children, and abortion in advance of actually having to deal with them. Will the girlfriend insist on carrying the fetus to term even if paternity can not be determined until after the baby is born? Would WTBIE willing to be a father to children that aren't his biological offspring. Would the biological father insist on his rights with respect to any child of his? How would the presence of biological father(s) affect WTBIE's relationship with the girlfriend?
I know I'm being prosaic, but that does change the validity of these types of questions. The girlfriend is contemplating taking additional sex partners. WTBIE needs to disccuss the consequences of that decision with the girlfriend.
@42- Amen!
What's the worst thing that happens if he tries to make this work? They break up, slightly worse for the wear but they were both honest. Yes, he's hurting, but every break up hurts no matter the cause.
If he DTMFA's her he could live the rest of his life regretting not knowing what could have been.
I think it would be helpful (if he decides to give it a try and stay together). Good luck!
Or he could end up with severe emotional scars that negatively impact the next several relationships. Or he could end up stuck supporting a child that isn't his but the law presumes it is. Or he could end up with herpes, or dead of AIDS.
How does being honest figure into whether he should give it a try or not? He could honestly decide that he just isn't up for the experience. There's nothing wrong with choosing that. That would save the pair of them a world of anguish and conflict, not to mention the loss of the time that could have been spent with other partners who were on board with their respective preferences.
It seems to me as if this guy has already explored his feeling pretty thoroughly. He tried to find a way to reconcile himself to his partner's sexual needs, and has found it trying. A strong relationship, one that goes into m-word territory, depends on partners being happy about meeting each others' needs, not feeling awful about it.
I think the course of action is obvious: he needs to sit down with his partner, and tell her that as much as he loves her, the relationship cannot work, and it's time for both of them to move on.
you're the best she ever had.
really.
and of course many mongamous fols think polygamy is just being slutty and wanting to fuck everything that moves. or if it does not move - then move it and fuck it afterwards.
i think that one can be mono or poly for both right and wrong reasons. in my opinion of course:
right reason to want to be monogamous for example - if for a person love and sex are very deeply related, and this person sees sex as connection with someone he/she loves and does not want to share that connection with anyone.
wrong reason for demanding monogamy - insecurities, "she will leave me", selfishness, desire to mark someone as "my own" etc.
right reason to be polygamous: if for you sex is simply a fun activity. it is fun with someone you love (and can be even the best), but you like variety, attention, flirtation. you can be emotionally monogamous, but not physically monogamous.
wrong reason: again, for example insecurity. trying to find validation of your attractiveness with multiple partners. no matter how hot is the person you are with now, you'll want more.
the thing is - no one can tell you which one of these you are, except yourself. by trying to explore your thought and feelings when you do these things. and i am not sure which one i am either.
PS. i think the larger point is - to try to discover - do you want monogamy or polygamy for wrong or right reasons?
I don't think anyone can deny our society conditions people to believe that non-monogamy is a threat to the very core of a relationship, no matter how solid that relationship may be emotionally. I hear people say things like, "Why even be MARRIED if you're going to sleep with other people!?" all the time (as if sexual exclusivity is the sole reason to be married). Whether the writer actually believes that himself or has only been conditioned to believe it is something only he can decide.
He is monogamous and didn't want to consider anything else. (And I'm pretty sure that his monogamy didn't equal never feeling desire for anyone else.)
I think many people have strong possessive feelings about their partners. And not a little insecurity, too.
So I tried. After all, I was in love. When we met and had the monogamous-or-not conversation, I was 22. I was 23 when we married.
I was 38 when I knew I couldn't continue to be monogamous--38 with two children.
We discussed ways to open up the marriage together, honestly; I even tried to make him see the potential for greater shared experience and to view us as partners in crime in a fun way. I suggested that this could deepen our intimacy.
He refused to consider any of it.
Finally I told him that I'd do what I had to and I would not rub his nose in it, I would not get pregnant, and I would not bring home any STIs. His response? He said, "if you do that, I'm out of here."
Well, I loved the man, and I was 41 years old. We'd been together, happily, for a LONG time. We had a family. I didn't want my marriage to break up.
So I cheated.
After a three-year-long affair (which my husband never found out about, but there was a certain amount of don't-ask-don't-tell-I don't-want-to-know going on), I couldn't live with the lies, the secrets, the sneaking, and the lack of integrity any more.
So I ended the affair.
But the three years of being emotionally withdrawn from my husband had done a lot of damage. A year later, I left him.
I don't know what my story proves, and I guess I fall into the category of those people who use their own experiences to explain all human behavior, but I feel that if we had been able to open the marriage up honestly, we might still be married.
And I think people can't change their basic natures.
Asking someone to accept non-monogamy is as unrealistic as asking someone who knows that she is incapable of being monogamous to practice it.
DTMFA is too harsh a directive for people who genuinely love each other but have this sexual incompatibility. But this problem will fester, and may never resolve in a way that makes both partners happy.
Not to get involved in an already long thread, but monogamy is effective risk management for STIs/pregnancy only if its monogamous. That is, there is a significant tail risk that one or the other party will cheat. In that case, because the "monogamous" couple may not be using a barrier method of birth control, the risks of STis are as high, if not higher, than in an honest non-monogamous relationship.
The only effective risk management for STIs/unwanted pregnancy is celibacy (which is obviously no fun) or, failing that, honesty, trust, protection and testing
Okay, wow, what the hell is going on here? You "LET OTHER MEN fuck your girl?" No. She is not property, and you are not a gatekeeper. Check your misogyny. She's going to fuck other people either way; what's at stake here is the relationship, not him LETTING other men fuck her. Holy crap.
But you do make a point. There are no hard and fast rules in relationships. WHEN YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP AT ALL, you risk losing that person and going through the pain of that loss. No man or woman can honestly guarantee they won't fall for another person WHO THEY MEET. So unless you plan on keeping your SO locked in a closet, you're risking that loss. Every day you're in a relationship, you're risking that heartache. Every relationship fails til one doesn't, and having it be open has absolutely nothing to do with it, you leotard.
"Monogamy is effective... only if it is monogamous." Well, that's a tautology. Condoms only work when they're worn. Yes, true, but a silly thing to say, as it is obviously true.
In my experience, I don't have unprotected sex with my partner until it is mutually wanted and agreed upon that we will be monogamous. I can't prevent them from cheating, but why even enter committed relationships unless I can show some trust in other human beings?
Its not a tautology, its a rhetorical device. Much "monogamy" is nothing of the sort (see any Savage Love).
I also don't see how, ex ante, your trust in your partner not to cheat is more reasonable than an open marriage-participant's trust that their (primary? forgive my poor terminology) partner use protection. Trust is key to both and I don't think one is less risky than the other. Actual monogamy is likely less risky than an open relationship but I don't think there is a way to know for sure if one is in an actually monogamous relationship.
In any event, my point is mostly about risk management and not monogamy; I don't really have a horse in this race.
It sounds like you assume the worst of people. I trust my partner not to cheat. Why should they cheat? If there's a problem in our relationship, I would expect them to speak with me directly, and I would expect them to expect the same from me. Honesty, open communication, trust, love, respect, being considerate of the other person's feelings. These are staples of a healthy relationship.
" Much "monogamy" is nothing of the sort (see any Savage Love)."
Um, I seriously doubt the people writing to Dan Savage for advice are a representative sample of the general population.
If you can't make the commitment of marriage: emotionally and yes, crazy me,... SEXUALLY, DON'T GET MARRIED!!! or get divorce and find some one you can be faithful too... or better yet, be single and fuck anything that moves.
Dan you have a stay at home husband, no wonder he is fine with it, you make all the money... he has to put up with your non committal behind. Also Great way to race a kid, dude. "Dad, where is daddy dan going out so late?"... "oh, honey, daddy dan is going out to screw some guy he met on Grindr an hour ago."
The moment you approach your husband with the idea of an open marriage... you are telling the person the you are sick of sleeping with them. That they are not enough! (so you might as well end it right there). And on top, you basically have left them with the fabulous choice of letting you sleep around or lose the person they love. Fantastic!
And what the hell is this Veto power over the people you cheat on him with, that you are always talking about like the cornerstone of a great open relationship... That is not a veto... more like a line-item veto, because he only has the choice of who, not if you get to sleep with other men.. what a choice: "honey, you can veto one of this five guys I am going to fuck"
Ryan's whole premise is that people are by nature universally non-monogamous and that jealousy is nothing more than societal brainwashing. Yet, here's a man who is open-minded -evidently beyond the influence of the status quo- and who clearly has an innate aversion to the wife-swapping lifestyle that Ryan so vehemently argues for. So, what does Ryan do? Rather than recognize that this man has a biological imperative that's distinct from his own, he brandishes his snake oil and attempts to indoctrinate WTBIE into The Lifestyle with some "helpful" suggestions on how to override his own hardwired instincts.
Human's are not mathematical equations. There is no universal truth when it comes to behavior.
So, first you were the one who didn't want the marriage to end. Rather than let your husband just walk away honestly, you kept him under false pretenses and you cheated. Then, when you were the one who wanted the marriage to end, after having ruined it yourself, you simply walked away. And after all that you still conclude that "DTMFA is too harsh a directive for people who genuinely love each other but have this sexual incompatibility."
Honestly, you think that's the wrong solution? The one thing your story proves is that you can't think your way out of a paper bag. It would have been a LOT better for him to DTMFA you in the first place. It would have saved both of you several YEARS of heartache to end it honestly at the point where he said "you do that and I'm out of here." Frankly, he should have been smart enough to figure out that statements like " I'd do what I had to and I would not rub his nose in it" made it crystal clear that you were intent on following through with this plan, regardless of whether he liked it or not, and he should have DTMFA'd right then and there.
I totally understand that you trust your partner, and I have no reason to doubt that that is a reasonable/correct choice. I just don't think that your trust is more or less reasonable than a non-monogamous person's trust that their partner will use adequate protection.
And, for the record, part of risk management *is* expecting (or at least considering) the worst. Did you work as a quant for Lehman?
----
@been there and back again
Thats a fair point.
----
On the narrow question of the relative riskiness of open and closed relationships, my point is just that in both cases you are trusting your partner, and that there is reason to assume that that trust is more reasonable in one case or the other.
My worry is that when people believe that they are in a monogamous relationship, they take less STI precautions. If that belief is misplaced, *and there is no way to know ex ante if it is,* there is more risk for that reason. It feels somewhat like abstinence education in that if the person is abstinent, they are best off compared to a comprehensive sex ed student, but if they are not abstinent, they are worse off (bc they do not have the education to protect themselves).
Also, this is observational, not prescriptive. I don't think you should be in an open relationship (I'm not, though I have never really turned my mind to if my partner and I would want one), I just think that people should be in the best relationship for them (gay/straight/open/closed/asexual/whatever) and that they should take reasonable precautions regarding their health (barrier methods unless you are reasonably sure that you can trust the other person and frequent testing for everyone).
Be safe; be happy.
Ahhh, good times. In talking with him, he had gotten most of his warmth and emotional support from his secondaries all along, while he put up with his mercurial, difficult wife because he adored her (I can see why: she's very charismatic in a sort of manic way). So, just too much for me, to sort out all of this nuttiness. I didn't so much care about sharing him as I cared about having such a wacko use the man I cared for as a yo-yo, all under the aegis of a more enlighted sexuality. F**k that noise, huh?
WTBIE, read #83 again. The description is dead-on accurate.
The subtext to all of that is that your partner goes out to sleep with other people because she craves excitement. Know what that makes you? Mr. Good Old Constant, Always there for at her back home, Dependable, Predictable...Boring. When she wants a night on the town, she is going to think of her beau(s); you, on the other hand, will be the one that when the subject of date night comes up, you two can't make the household budget stretch enough to go out this month, because the backyard fence needs fixing. When she thinks of her others, she will think butterflies in the stomach, when she thinks of you, she will think mortgage payment.
Why don't you get her to get some other guy to support her and deal with all the mundane, libido-killing details of daily life -- so you can be the one she is excited to go see and fuck, instead of the one she needs to get away from?
But from the tone of his letter, I doubt he will find any of them persuasive. 83 was counseling him to imagine the situation in deep and excruciating detail. Being in the moment is vastly more intense than considering it as a hypothetical, let alone being argued into it against your better judgment by the person who wants it from you. If merely thinking about it "gives [him] a sick feeling in [his] stomach," actually being in the moment is going to make him miserable.
Why he put up with it is another story, of course, cf my comment at 86.
As I see it, the problem is that we view sex as a toy we get to play with, without actually acknowledging the physical and emotional power it has over us. If sleeping around is no big deal, why do we seem to care about it so damn much? The truth is that sex is a magical, mystical force that captures our imaginations, and we are absolutely desperate to experience it intensely. Some of us believe we will experience it most intensely with our monogamous partner (as I believe), and some of us believe that we will experience it most intensely by seeking it out with multiple people. We are extremely anxious about getting the best possible sex we can have.
The whole point of the Nest in Stranger (see above) is that all of those involved in the polyamorous relationship are able to give their super-human attention to all of their partners in a way that I believe is not quite possible for us poor louses here on planet earth. See @49--there is not enough time in the day to give multiple someones the attention needed to develop the bond necessary to engage in the magical, mystical, ultimately intimate act of joining, fusing the body in communion in a fully committed way. As has been loudly discussed, we do not own each other. We give to each other freely. And sex is a ritual of ultimate giving, where one surrenders the body, one's very essence, one's material constitution, all that one is in this earthly existence, to another human being who is choosing to do the same. Talk about magic--becoming one, singular NOW. That's a pretty big gift.
.
Finally, as alluded to earlier, sex is not a toy, but we play with it like it is, neglecting that it is at its most powerful when performed in the service of love. Love and sex are intertwined, inextricable, and it is disingenuous to say otherwise. This is not to say that sex without love can't be fun, but it is not operant at its fullest potential. Monogamy is a way to give sex and love its best shot because it focuses your attention on one person, with whom you can develop a deeply committed relationship without having to give of yourself so completely to another.
Independent of the poly/mono debate, we are not asking ourselves what sex means to us as humans (NOT as members of a society, but human creatures, that have bodies that do things, and emotions that inform how we use those bodies). Playing with sex like it's a toy will only get you so far. It's like walking into a university lab and looking at it like a child's chemistry kit. The learning, exploration, and experience necessary to plunge the depths of the infinite in human sexuality takes seriousness and dedication, and I like having my partner with me on this journey.
The bigger point, however, is not what the wife would or wouldn't do for WTBIE before going out, but how WTBIE would feel in that situation. When my non-mono-gf was busy getting ready to have her night out, I wanted as little to do with the situation as possible. Sex play was the last thing on my mind. What I wanted was for it not to be happening, and no amount of reassurance or strokes leading up to her departure ever made the departure itself any less hurtful.
The biggest point of all is this: don't let your partner talk you into something that you know in your heart will make you miserable.
If your partner really pushes you to the wall to just give it a try, you never know until you try it, you should respond in kind. She is asking you to completely put your happiness on the line, for you to consent to try something that might destroy the relationship. Is she willing to do the same? Is she willing to take the risk that she might come back to find the locks changed and her stuff on the curb? That will be the true measure of how important this is to her. You might be okay with it, you might actually like it, or you might hate it enough to react that badly. If she feels entitled to ask you to put that much risk into it, she should do the same.
My partner and I have a semi-open relationship. Emotional fidelity with physical playmates. My partner proposed the idea, but he still worried about how he would feel in practice and "what if?" scenarios. "What if you fuck someone even better in bed, will you fall for them?" To overcome those worries, it helps A LOT to reassure your partner that they're special and you love them for reasons other than their body or skill in the sack. We also play together so nobody feels abandoned or jealous. Threesomes are a great bonding experience.
I think of variety like this: Let's say steak is your favorite food. Enjoying a salad or sushi sometimes doesn't change how you feel about steak. Eating only steak could get monotonous over time no matter how good it is, after a different dish you can return to steak with a renewed appreciation. Maybe the salad will have some cheese or spices you really like, you can try them with steak.
@EricaP, well, four months is about a good length of time to get the rush of it. We did it for several years before we had any significant downside, and before my husband met the GF he left me for, I'd have started a church for it and preached it as the gospel. So allow me to give you "if I had it to do all over again" if you will.
1. No open dating. Keep it to same room if you do full swap, or at least close enough to make sure the playmate isn't trying anything to pry you and him apart.
2. Trust your own gut, please! I knew it, felt it, sensed it, whatever, but I was being too nice and too trusting, and just kept letting him play with her, and it snowballed into where he was spending much more time alone with her than we got alone together. Plus, I could tell by her face she was bad news, but felt guilty for "judging" her. If your gut is screaming, please listen to it.
3. Don't allow emotions to enter into it. Try to keep it as play. Don't see any one playmate too often. Keep it more "swinging" and less "polyamory". People aren't toys, and shouldn't be used, but try to keep things light, friendly, and fun, and don't allow long phone calls, texting, or emailing/chats with any one playmate, unless you are expressly included in the loop.
4. Any, and I mean ANY evidence of dishonesty, or even omission of information, needs to be treated as high treason. I cannot stress enough how much of this I overlooked and forgave, much to my detriment, and my family's.
That's it, since you already covered the safer sex/condoms issue. Enjoy, and keep a separate bank account with plenty of cash it, just in case.