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So there's this thing called Twilight, in which the Mormon teen experience of guilt-ridden frottage until the literally eternal union of souls in holy matrimony is gussied up in vampire drag and unleashed on the universe as books and movies, all of them huge fucking blockbusters.

Due to the hugeness of the blockbusting, I eventually exposed myself to some Twilight on film, watching the first two installments on DVD. The only thing that made any sort of lasting impression was the growing repulsiveness of the female protagonist, a whiny drip of a thing played by the (gorgeous and seemingly talented) Kristen Stewart, who is required to devote her gorgeousness and seeming talent to being a whiny drip that all sane people will eventually grow to hate.

Never mind the subtle poetry of her name (Bella Swan); the basics of what sucks about the character is laid out most cogently by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey in this week's I Love Television:

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Have you seen Eclipse yet? Aren't Jacob's abs AH-MAY-ZING? Isn't Edward a pasty-face fop? And isn't Bella the stupidest person in the world? Seriously, she spends the entire movie whining, "Edward! Change me into a vampire! Change me into a vampire!" Why should he? So she can nag the shit out of him for the rest of eternity? Bella would be, like, the worst vampire in the history of vampires—and yes, I'm including Count Chocula! At least he likes chocolate! Bella is stupid and doesn't like chocolate, and the only thing she sucks is a person's will to live.

Thus concludes today's installment of Two Grown Men Getting Upset About A Fictional Teenage Girl. Carry on.

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