I walk around in your mouth while you sleep!
  • Wikipedia
  • "I walk around in your mouth while you sleep!"
This is a new series. I decided to start it off big. The huntsman spider is the biggest dickhead in the spidanimal kingdom. How DARE he be so gigantic?!? What, exactly, is his DAMAGE? What the fuck kind of a grudge does he have against me getting a good night's sleep?

Sponsored

I first learned about the huntsman spider a few years ago when my cousin, who lives in Australia for reasons that can only involve hallucinogenic drugs, told me a "cool story" about driving his car on the "motorway" (whatever that is). To shield his eyes from the ruinous Australian sun (world's #1 cause of leprosy), he reached up and lowered the sun visor. And OH, HELLO! On the back of the sun visor, an enormous huntsman spider was clinging and dozing, dreaming of devouring delicious human eyeballs for its afternoon snack (and it WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY). Then, with certain death* perched just inches from his face, my cousin had to maneuver his car safely to the shoulder, exit the vehicle, and commence to freak the fuck out. Oh. Cool story, cousin.

Then I never spoke to my cousin again. (Consequences, people.)

Now, please "enjoy" this video:

Awesome. Now I am never speaking to my computer again. (Attention, Twitter followers: the huntsman spider will be updating my account from now on.)

Anyway, spider of the day! Enjoy!

Support The Stranger

*"Waaaaaaaahhhhh!" I can hear you cry, "But Lindy, huntsman spiders are non-lethal and harmless!!!" Oh, ARE THEY? Or are they just really good liars!?

Sponsored
Annual Seattle Erotic Art Festival and Halloween party returns to Seattle Center October 29 –31!
A weekend of art, performance, readings, & more! Festival ends at Seattle's sexiest Halloween party.