I am a 34-year-old man and my fiance is a 24 year-old woman. I love her with all my heart, she is my everything. We have been together for nearly 5 years. Since we have been together my sex drive increases every day, and at same time she gets more sexy every day, she is very beautiful. So sexy in fact that I really enjoy watching her have sex with other men. It drives me so wild i cant even contain myself and it brings me to the ultimate orgasm. The problem is my fiance does not enjoy being with other men as much as I enjoy to watch her with them. She does it only because she see's how excited I get, and she knows it makes me very happy. Does that make me selfish? Should I hold in my thoughts and fetishes? I have even asked her if I could watch her get gangbanged. That would be the ultimate! There is no male to male contact and I sometimes join in the fun. So my questions if you can help are:

#1. Am I being selfish?

#2. If she doesn't enjoy it, should I never ask her to do it again and hold in my fantasies?

#3. What does this mean? Is there a reason why I crave this?

The Guy Who Loves To Watch

Sent from the Savage Love App for iPhone

My response after the jump.

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#1. Yes, TGWLTW, you are being selfish—but selfishness by itself is not necessarily a problem. We're all allowed to be selfish when it comes to our desires, wants, fantasies, etc. It's practically impossible to avoid being selfish when we're putting our needs out there. And a recent study confirms a point I've made repeatedly in "Savage Love": selfish lovers are better sex. So, again, the simple fact that you're selfish isn't necessarily a problem.

#2. Here's the problem: she doesn't enjoy it.

While I believe—and I've written—that people should be GGG and up for pretty much anything, and while I think that people should indulge their partners fantasies and fetishes (which means we all may wind up doing some things that aren't our particular favorites now and then), we have to balance our wants and desires against our partner's comfort levels and the risks we're asking them to run on behalf of our boners.

You're not your run-of-the-mill foot fetishist or a bondage freak, TGWLTW. For you to watch, she must do. The fantasy is yours, the physical and emotional risks are hers. The dangers of disease and sexual violence fall mostly on her, while the risks/mindfuck of an unplanned-pregnancy-by-another-man fall entirely on her.

You say she "doesn't like it." That's more than a little vague. If she's fucking other men because she feels she must—if she's fucking other men under duress—then the fucking-other-men stuff has to stop immediately, now, before any gangbangs are scheduled.

To determine whether or not you need to call the whole thing off permanently—the fuckfests with other guys, maybe even the the marriage itself—you need to make an honest assessment of the emotional dynamics at play here. A little selfishness is fine; emotional manipulativeness is not. Making a free choice to step outside your comfort zones to please a lover is fine; consenting to sex that leaves you curled up crying in the fetal position on the floor for hours afterward because you fear you'll be dumped if you don't "consent" is neither fine nor truly consensual.

As you are in no position to make an honest assessment of your much-younger fiance's feelings—you have a distinct pro-gangbang bias—I would encourage you to take a break from the fuckingothermenathons and seek the services of a sex-, swinging-, and honestly-obtained-consent-positive counselor.

#3. Ahem.