Absolute Failure: Anarchy takes hold as Mariners lose to Sox, fall 20 games behind first, and begin to turn on each other.

Daniel Schorr: passes away. Am I the only one wondering if his death will make it onto Weekend Edition?

This Could Get Ugly: North Korea promises war and threatens nuclear deterrence in response to joint US-South Korean military exercises. List of North Korean promises made but not kept: 5.8 × 10^23 (approx).

Famous Last Oil Rigger Words: “Hey lets set the emergency alarm on silent so we can sleep more.”

How Not to Solve Budget Problems: State gives away island it paid $211,000 for.

Can’t be Blamed: Charlie Rangel entered talks to settle ethics accusations against him, but refused to admit any wrongdoing, crippling the talks.

The Recruiters Never Mentioned This: Veterans Affairs to allow use of medical marijuana in select states.

Dam Won’t Break: Senate approves $44 million emergency repairs for Howard Hanson Dam.

Not Mean Enough: Kenneth Feinberg releases his “boooring” report on bonuses at TARP banks.

The Grizzly from Hell: Colorado bear commandeers car, attempts to pick up females, run over hikers, and chase deer, but ultimately contents himself with eating the seats.

Bonus Points: For whoever can name the cartoonist who prophesized such an attempt in a single panel cartoon.