We're #1! We're #1! Gulf spill determined to be the "worst accidental spill ever."

Bitter Beer Face. At least three people shot by disgruntled warehouse worker at Connecticut beer distributor.

Finally I Can Breathe Again. Charlie Sheen pleads guilty to misdemeanor assault; felony charges dropped. Two and a Half Men will continue.

"We are focused on restoring calm in the area." Three soldiers and one journalist killed in Lebanese border clash.

Drill, Baby, Drill. City council passes tunnel resolution.

Hope Is a Thing with Feathers that's Drowning in Tar. BP crews "hope" static kill will stop the gushin' once and for all.

Remember When This Person Existed? Lindsay Lohan's mom wants you to keep giving a shit about Lindsay Lohan.

Can We Just Abolish Sinkholes Already? Six teenagers drown in a Louisiana river.

What Are You Then? Double Homeless? Eleven local homeless shelters may have to close due to lack of funding.

But Can't I Just Hide in My House and Tweet at My Neighbors Against Crime? At tonight's "Night Out Against Crime," go drink a beer or eat a muffin and talk to some cops on the corner with the other people who live in the proximity of where you live. Against crime.

But Is He Voiced by Michael J. Fox? This nice lady's dog fell in the ship canal.

Poisoning Pigeons in the Park: