The final reason why Seattle is better than New York City? If you wage war on our favorite hybrid of Marie Antoinette and a class-destructing communist, we will wake up early, shake off our hangovers, strap in, and war you back harder. And it will be a just war.
And then we will burn your has-been, unoriginal, bossy, illiterate, easily offended, Puff-Daddy infested, politically tone-deaf, musically loathed, theatrically and romantically uninspired, sweltering, smelly, "obsolete," inefficient, buggy, "ugliest, filthiest, shittiest," sugar-phobic, artless, sexually frustrated, unvolcanic, soggy city to the motherfucking ground. The end.
And now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to go toast the beginning of happy hour. We'd ask you to join us, New York City, but we understand that all of your happy hours are done because it's already 8 o'clock over there. (Lame.)