A few months ago, Bret Fetzer (of Annex Theater and Rain City Projects, a local playwrights' organization) asked if I would donate my face for an RCP auction:

Hey Brendan:

Would you be willing to let me auction off the opportunity to throw a cream pie in your face? Right then, right there, you choose the flavor of pie.

I couldn't make the auction, so we postponed until September's edition of the variety show Spin the Bottle. Which is this Friday.

Since the auction item was all about people paying to make me look like an ass, I offered to up the ante by writing and performing a song about the odiousness of theater critics (it only seemed fair that I should be forced to write and perform something for a hostile audience of people I've criticized for the things they've written and performed) that would conclude with the pieing—a "Brendan Kiley humiliation package."

It sold.

Mr. Kiley,

Your contribution to the Rain City Projects Ukelooza Auction was the high-money item, provoking the fiercest bidding and finally peaking at $350, purchased by Rebecca M. Davis. (I cut her the additional deal that she could come up with an opening number before you.)

The city's most expensive pie will meet my face Friday night at Annex Theater sometime after 11 pm. I will sing a stupid song, Rebecca M. Davis will sing a lovely song, and then it's pie time.