Ever since discovering two years ago that I look at porn—I'm a guy, shocker, I know—my girlfriend and I have gotten in numerous arguments over the subject. I seldom use porn, maybe once a week when she is not around. My GF and I usually have sex once a day, and I always make sure that she is satisfied. Porn has never gotten in the way of our sex lives, and I always make love to her instead of looking at porn if that is an option. I've tried explaining to her that I think she is the most beautiful girl on the planet, that I only want to make love with her, that I find her incredibly sexy, etc, etc, but nothing seems to be enough. Because she has asked (multiple times), I have also reassured her that I do not desire the women that I watch and that they are simply there as a visual stimulus to facilitate the process of me getting off (men are visual creatures, let's be honest).

She looks at porn too, and says that she feels guilty getting off on someone who is not her SO, and doesn't understand why I don't feel guilty in doing the same. She also says I shouldn't even need to look at porn since I can have sex with her on a regular basis. I made the mistake of lying to her one time about looking at porn—my honesty about doing it was what got me in trouble in the first place, and I wanted to avoid another fight and spare her feelings—and since then she compulsively checks my Internet history to determine if I've been looking at porn. She even goes so far as to inspect the volume of my ejaculate after sex to guess if I've jerked off since she last saw me. After facing this same argument over and over again, we sometimes reach a happy "conclusion" where she says she understands my p.o.v. and it won't be an issue again... but it always is.

We have been dating for almost four years now, and I want to end these fights once and for all. How can I truly reassure this person that I care for so much and make this problem disappear? Is there any good alternative to deleting my internet history and living a life of white lies?

Tired Of Porn Fights

My response—and TOPF's response to my response, and my response to his response—after the jump.

Break up with her.

Yes, I guess that is an alternative. Anything more constructive? Couple's therapy perhaps?

Put your foot down—something you can without the permission of a couple's counselor. Tell her this shit stops NOW or the relationship is OVER. You don't have to break up with her, I suppose, if you don't want to. But if you want this to stop you are going to have to lay it on the line—lay the relationship on the line—by making her understand that you are prepared to end the relationship if her abusive and controlling behavior does not stop. Right now this is a hostage situation, TOPF, not a relationship. Tell her you want to be in relationship with her but that you won't be a hostage to her hypocritical insecurities anymore.

Measuring your ejaculate? Do you have any idea how controlling and crazy that is? If a man was doing something comparable to a woman—I'm not sure what that would be exactly—no one would hesitate to slap the "abuser" label him on him.

This shit won't stop until you make it clear that you are prepared to end the relationship if it doesn't stop.