You Be the Unlicensed Doctor!

Comments

2
The doctor says that since these symptoms occurred now that you've reached your late twenties (ahem), please get on your bicycle and coast over to Country Doctor STAT.
3
you have lupus.
4
Could be a pinched nerve somewheres in there but it you still have the weird leg feeling at this point in the day, get thee to a doctor ASAP. It could be MS (sorry to add to the fear) as I was diagnosed with that about eight years ago and my symptom was a numb leg (still had strength, could still move it etc). But eight years later I'm doing well and fine and am super active if it helps with the fear a bit. But you need a doctor to help you out with this.
5
poor breakfast choice. it's probably just the spirit of all dead midgets messing with your languidly handsome stride. take two aspirin.
6
I second Chester Copperpot; fucking Lupus, man.
7
you have a blood clot. this happened to my grandma's cousin's 3rd wife. it dislodged and went straight to her brain, caused a stroke, and then she died. i would rather have leukemia or MS.
8
Your wallet is too thick. Throws your spine out of alignment. Pull all those useless bits of paper out and throw them away.
9
See a doctor! (and have them look at your brain for getting diagnoses from the people who read The Slog in the middle of the day instead of working.)
10
Was it Dr. Google who told you that it might be MS or leukemia? In my experience, 90% of the time Dr. Google will tell you that you have cancer. Hell, he just told me I have colon cancer. Dr. Google is a son-of-a-bitch.
11
It's either the vapors, consumption, or female hysteria. I'd hope for female hysteria- god knows it has the best cure.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_hyst…
12
I wake up this morning

There's your problem right there.
13
If it helps I have dealt with these kinds of odd sensations on and off for the past 9 months. Sensations that are often difficult to explain to someone else.
But I've had a full medical workup and they haven't ever been able to find anything wrong.

Definitely get yourself to a doctor/neurologist, for peace of mind.
14
@8 - You can't just throw those pieces of paper away. They're medical waste. Send them to me, and I'll dispose of them properly.
15
Could be a blood clot pressing on a nerve. Could be a number of things. I don't think it's sciatica because sciatica hurts like a motherfucker.

It's doctor time, big boy!
16
Stenosis of your spinal cord. The passage where your nerves pass thru your spine is starting to close and it's putting pressure on the nerve to your leg. Look forward to gradually increasing pain in your old age.
17
It's the soy milk--stay away from that shit! Go rice milk or oat milk instead.
18
16: Excellent diagnosis, Dr. Vince!
19
My guess is you have a case of diaper ticulitis.
20
How much did you have to drink last night? I sometimes lose contact with my extremities when recovering from overindulgence.
21
"Stenosis of your spinal cord."

OOH! I like that one the best so far. Sexier than lupus or MS. Keep 'em coming!

P.S. Quit telling me to go to a doctor! Who needs them when I have you?
22
I second 7 & 9 ... a blood clot being immediately dangerous and asking for diagnoses over Slog terminal. On the chance it's a blood clot, get someone to take you to an ER. Don't bike or drive yourself. If a piece of the clot breaks off and lodges in your lungs you could pass out. Or simply die before anyone finishes dialing 911.
23
neuropathy with a side of restless leg syndrome. stop shaking babbies.
24
Just call 911. That's what it's there for.
25
Perhaps the French intern infected you with Heavy Legs?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heavy_legs
26
Yep, some sort of neuropathy. Either that or you're gonna die.

Nice knowing you.
27
try some medical mj - that'll cure what ails ya'
28
SARS
29
You are sitting weird.
30
#25: Peut-être!
31
It's never Lupus. I want to put in a vote for Wilson's.
Or you are pregnant.
With smallpox.
32
I'll just get out my sonic screwdriver.

And mix myself a martini.

Shaken. Not stirred.

...

hmm. What was the question?
33
Cerebral malaria.

Or perhaps I've been watching too much House.
34
Do you have a wooden leg? Does it weigh 100 pounds? Do you keep loose change in it? A previously undiagnosed leg amputation would explain these symptoms.

Many workers in the fields of piracy or Civil War soldiering and other cannon-related occupations develop leg amputations and subsequent wooden legs. You don't mention whether or not you are male over the age of 150 years, but if you are, then I would say for sure your leg was shot off in battle by a cannon and replaced with something carved from oak.

If you're unable to remember which battle it happened in, that could be a sign of Alzheimer's. I have to say, you bicycle remarkably well for a man in your condition; hats off to you for that.
35
You need to make an appointment to see a doctor immediately. Diabetic neuropathy is degenerative and irreversible. In the meantime, I suggest you stop eating junk food for breakfast.
36
You are dreaming.
37
Or possibly a stroke. If it hasn't gone away, please do seek (professional) medical help expeditiously. Seriously.
38
@21 Wait until you get my bill! Quack!
39
@33 let's operate.

If we're wrong, no harm done, other than the giant hole in his brain.

Man this sonic screwdriver mixes some mean martinis!
40
I vote blood clot. Get thee to a doctor!
41
Maybe it's a Western Blot.

Let's strap him to an overhead projector and see.
42
@WiS, you are not The Doctor, that is not a sonic screwdriver, and that cocktail glass your holding seems to contain turpentine. I suggest you get out of that cardboard box labeled 'Police Box' and call yourself and Humpy an ambulance.
43
Housemaid's knee or Dropsy. Or maybe catarrh or consumption. Nothing that some brandy can't cure.
44
You didn't give us a physical exam. Any swelling, redness or warmth over the leg and specifically the calf and back of your knee? Also, any periods of extended immobility over the past 72 hours? A long flight for example?
45
Run to breakfast everyday and change channels without a remote.
46
You need to take my patented Vegetable Cellulose pills. I can sell you a bottle for just $159.99!
47
eat a real fucking breakfast, pound some coffee and a couple of beers, and you'll be fine. don't be such a little bitch.
48
You are awfully sadistic to let us diagnose you.

Like #4, I can tell you from personal experience that MS isn't the worst thing that can happen to you. But it can give you a weirdly fucked up leg. Have you been extremely tired in recent days?
49
I have it!

Your leg fell off after the cat ate it!
50
If the next symptom is liver failure, you're experiencing an episode of House.
51
But only if you sleep with House's boss. Or one of the interns.
52
Your leg functions normally, but feels funny? If that's accurate, my first thought is a little stroke in somatosensory cortex*. Get thee to a real doctor, pronto.

Sorry to be scary; It might be MS or a pinched nerve.

*Blumenfeld,(2002) "Neuroanatomy Through Clinical Cases," p. 265.
53
Marijuana deficiency. Totally curable.
54
@53 is probably right.

I've noticed SLOG is suffering from Dan disease. Too many SLOG posts with the most comments are from Dan.
55
It's a tumah.
56
@55 it's a Savage tumor. Dan has the Top Ten on SLOG for most commented all locked up.
57
TURKEYLEG!
just add some gravy
58
Ok. So concerned by this thread. @7 the most. His relative died from a stroke from an embolism on the arterial side (usually from the heart or carotid artery). If you have a clot, it'd be in the veins, and these can (almost) never get from the venous side to the arterial side. If there's a blood clot, which there could be, it won't "press on a nerve." The clots form in the veins, they're not larger than your vein was yesterday. Thus the symptoms they cause are subtle to none unless they obstruct a deep vein, which causes a traffic backup in the leg with swelling, redness, pain, as most astute #44 was asking. See the Well's prediction rule for DVT. Doubtful since you don't describe predispositions (though you don't describe much). Otherwise, I agree that neurologic symptoms are most likely. Spinal CANAL stenosis is relieved with rest and should have a gradual onset. So would peripheral neuropathy as from diabetes. This would also tend to be symmetric. Nerve root compression is typically painful. You could have some mononeuritis or a central process could be happening. It would be important to know if the symptoms correspond to a nerve root distribution (google dermatomes) and to do deep tendon reflexes, strength and sensation testing, and babinskis, as well as a general neuro exam. Of course, yeah, see a doctor. Exams are hard online.
59
Jake Leg, maybe with a case of Knee Tit as well...in which case you've got a great alternative to that soy milk close at hand.

Either that, or MS Found in a Bottle...are you looking poe-faced lately?

Regardless, try Prescott Pharmaceutical's Legolax---side effects include: tyred blood, male pattern deafness, and 'wandering bladder'.