I know they're a disgusting conservative paper, but some days I could just read New York Post articles all day long for the sheer I-don't-give-a-fuck punnery of the writing:

Pacific Northwest Ballet’s The Nutcracker is Back Onstage at McCaw Hall! Tickets start at $27.
Join PNB for a timeless tale of holiday adventure performed by PNB’s amazing dancers and orchestra.

Give her a hand — please!

Kimbra Hickey wants some recognition for her pinky-size role in the "Twilight" phenomenon.

Hers are the slender, ghostly hands cupping a red apple on the now-famous cover of the first hit book by Stephenie Meyer.

But Hickey's lack of fame has her cracking her knuckles in frustration.

"It was major exposure for my hands," said the petite, 40-year-old model. "But nobody knew who I was."

Support The Stranger

The story goes on to make you feel really sad for Hickey—she stops people who are reading the book to tell them she's the hand model on the cover, and she carries an apple in her purse when she goes to bookstores in order to convince people of her tiny part in Mormon-vampire-publishing history—but the real star here is the writer of the article, Joseph Goldstein. Fine work, sir. I salute you.

(Via the ever-astonishing Bookshelves of Doom.)