Two recent submissions to I, Anonymous:
YOU SUCK, AVE
Dear the Ave: You possibly are the lamest, shittiest street in Seattle. I'd rather be on Aurora. Hell, I'd rather be on 2nd Ave (at least the threat of death keeps it exciting). Having to work so close to you, in a neighborhood that offers virtually nothing else, I've put up with your bullshit for far too long. Ignoring all the crappy and redundant food options, the bums, crackheads, smarmy "ave rats", it's really the reemerging school kids that really turn it to shit. Hey kids, here's a few lessons you won't learn in school: Don't walk down the sidewalk four across like you're in goddamn Sex in the City. Don't stand in the middle of the busy sidewalk like you're at a social mixer. Learn how to order at a damn eatery, and most of all, walk like you have somewhere to be. I know strolling and staring aimlessly is a passion in Seattle, but kindly move it the fuck along. My 79-year-old grandmother walks faster than most of you. I know I can't change the college crap pot that University Way is and always have been, but let's try to get along. The next kid that gets in my way is getting kicked into the street.
THERE IS NO "S" IN PIKE PLACE MARKET
Stop saying “Pikes Place Market.” There is no “s” in “Pike Place.” All of the Stranger-reading denizens of Capitol Hill are familiar with Pike Street and the Pike-Pine corridor. Well, at the end of Pike Street, there is a perpendicular road called “Pike Place.” The market on it is the Pike Place Market. It’s all the same word, but somewhere around First Avenue, the word inexplicably begins to grow an “s.” There is no “s.” At some point in the last decade or so, newcomers to the city launched a campaign of ignorance to rename one of our most beloved landmarks. Quit it. You sound like you don’t know what you’re talking about and it’s pissing me off. Think I’m overreacting? Try adding an “s” to your favorite landmark. The Golden Gates Bridge. The Whites House. The Gateways Arch. The Alamos. Rockefellers Center. Grands Canyon. Walls Drug. It sounds stupid. I’m scared that if this keeps up, the Market will in fact be renamed, and all it will signal is the triumph of ignorance over the ability to read a street sign. A special P.S. to Starbuck’s employees: don’t write “Pikes Place Blend” on your chalkboard. Read the bag it came in. There is no “s.”
Thank you, anonymous ranters.