Dear REI,
Please reevaluate your sleeping-bag design. Why do your mummy bags hate gays? You make men's bags and women's bags, which zip on opposite sides so that they may be placed next to each other for open or zipped-together fun (see image to the right, fun not pictured). But if homos purchase gender-specific bags, we are doomed to futile wormlike spooning or limbs exposed to the elements—unless one person flips their bag over for zipping-togetherness (suffocating with a mummy hood over the face is not my idea of sexytime). A few suggestions:

1. Place a clearly visible warning on your sleeping-bag page: OUR SLEEPING BAGS ARE DESIGNED TO FACILITATE ONLY HETEROSEXUAL CUDDLING. PLEASE KEEP THIS IN MIND WHEN MAKING YOUR PURCHASE. (Include this addendum in your employees’ sensitivity training as well.)
2. There are some valid physiological reasons for gender-specific sleeping bags—but the zipper and hood designs are adaptable. Perhaps place two zippers on all the bags? Or make the hood removable so it can be placed on either side?
3. Consider an entirely new line of GAY SLEEPING BAGS for our woodsy cuddling pleasure.

A Homo

P.S. Indeed, a person may purchase a unisex bag or carefully select bags with appropriately placed zippers, but really: (1) How many times in your life do you purchase an expensive sleeping bag? (2) Who shops for sleeping bags together with a partner? And (3) considering your homo-ness at all times is exhausting: “Oops, I should have remembered I’m queer when I bought that sleeping bag!”

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