In response to "No Catchy Sign Off" in this week column: I have had this precise experience. My wife did not have sex with me for five years. When I was 42 I met a woman who changed my whole life—and at first I couldn't fuck her for more than three minutes before going soft, despite her beauty, and even though she is precisely the type of woman who does it for me. Fortunately, I had some really great pussy eating skills and since we clicked so well, she stuck with me under the guise of "retraining" my dick. I stopped with the porn. She let me make some "home movies" and I would jerk to them instead. After a month or so, I was finally able to fuck again! Eventually I left my wife for the girl of my dreams and we do it constantly. I have never been happier! So please let him know there is hope after all!

Get Over It And Got Out

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As I read the letter from "No Catchy Sign Off," the man trying to cheat on his wife because she doesn't want sex as spicy or as often as he does, I wanted to reach through the computer and stuff him in time out. Trust me, guys, this topic has been covered at length by your wife and her girlfriends. And here's what you need to know: You would be getting it more often if it was easier to tell the difference between you and your children. Whining that you can't have your way and then sneaking around is the conflict resolution method of middle schoolers. Grow the fuck up.

No one over the age of six should wipe his nose and then wipe it on his pants. Unloading the dishwasher or doing a load of laundry is not a praiseworthy event. If you're old enough to hump then you're old enough to handle your own basic hygiene without nineteen reminders. Floss the mess out of your teeth, use deodorant, and trim your own nose hair. Your wives really do have sex drives; you can see it in the books we read, the movies we watch. We just aren't hot for you. We spend our days surrounded by body fluids and mess. When you come home and track mud through the house, drop your shoes in the middle of the floor, and then cut your toenails in front of the TV you become just another dirty, messy, aggravating child. And you know what? Unless you married a pedophile, guys, your wife isn't attracted to children.

Don't YOU call me Mommy