Ye Olde Boorian Librarye
  • Ye Olde Boorian Librarye
A few weeks ago, during a drive to Tacoma, my friend began ruminating on the city of Burien.

"Burien," he said. "What kind of a word is that?"

I replied that I did not know. It was indeed a strange word.

As we live in this age of smartphones and Wikipedia, and no piece of information is out of reach at any time in any place in the universe ever, we soon found what we sought. AND OOPS! IT WAS CUTER THAN A BASKET OF CREAM-CHEESE-FROSTED KITTENS IN A BOUNCY CASTLE ON A PANDA-FART-SHAPED CLOUD.

It starts like this. Quoth Wikipedia:

European settlement in the Burien area dates to 1870, when Mike Kelly walked up a hill from the Seattle area. When he emerged from the trees he said, "This is truly a sunny dale." Today, a few long-time residents still refer to the Burien area as Sunnydale.

If I ever meet a wrinkly Burien old-timer who says, "Welcome to Sunnydale!" I will punch him right in the tooth. Seriously. Because that is TOO FUCKING CUTE.

Not to be outdone by me assaulting a fictional smiling geriatric gentleman, Wikipedia goes on!

Ten years later, Gottlieb Von Boorian, a German immigrant, arrived in Sunnydale, which was only a community of trails and small houses without roads or commercial buildings. Von Boorian built a cabin on the southeast corner of Lake Burien and reportedly formed the community into a town bearing his name (misspelled over the years).

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! SEHR GUT!!!!!

But what's that? There's more? Hold on to your buttholes!

In 1915, the Lake Burien Railway was completed. It ran on what is today Ambaum Boulevard from Burien to White Center to Seattle. A small passenger train ran the tracks and was affectionately named by the residents The Toonerville Trolley. However in the summer, squished caterpillars made the track slippery, and in the winter, the tracks iced over. Soon the Toonerville Trolley was removed.

Squished caterpillars made the track slippery. Squished caterpillars made the track slippery. Squished caterpillars made the track slippery. Squished caterpillars made the track slippery. Squished caterpillars made the track slippery. Squished caterpillars made the track slippery. Squished caterpillars made the track slippery. Squished caterpillars made the track slippery.

The Toonerville Trolley was removed.

I'm Lindy West and I'm dead now*. From the cuteness. Thanks a lot, Burien.

UPDATE: I completely forgot that half the reason I wrote this post was because I wanted to make a joke that it was like something out of Beatrix Potter, and then put a fake Wikipedia quote saying:

The current mayor of Burien is the Right Honorable Ms. Jemima Puddle-Duck.

Support The Stranger

LATERZ!


*If, for some freakish reason, I DO up and die immediately after writing this post, I don't want you guys reading it and feeling all awkward like I had a premonish or something. Or like I'm speaking to you from beyond the grave. Also, please don't arrest the city of Burien for my murder. People can't really die of cuteness—it's just a silly conceit I used to frame this post. Now go get drunk at my funeral.

Sponsored
King County Council is seeking to hire one or more Senior Legislative Analysts.
To apply & view a complete job announcement go to www.kingcounty.gov/jobs. Closes 4/26/21 at 11:59pm