I enjoy sharing your podcast and watching people blush over the remarks you make. Thanks for the hours and hours of entertainment. It's my turn to ask questions and here is the watered down version:

I lived with and completely loved a man for over six years. It was my most true and sincere feeling. I am 32 he is 30. I always wanted to marry him. He didn't believe in marriage and said he didn't need a piece of paper to want to be with me forever. I believed him.

Last summer, he proposed to me, as a gift—despite it all. A month later: I developed a crush on another man while he was out of town (his type of work requires him to go away a lot). I wrote it down and tried to forget about it. A month after that: He read it in my journal (another issue entirely) and asked me not to talk to this person anymore. I denied that I had feelings for this other person, believing they would pass. I refused to obey my fiance's wish. He left town for two weeks for work. On day 13 the crush and I kissed. I told my fiance immediately and again he forbade me never to see the crush. I agreed, with hesitations. Crush purposefully left town for a while. I was super stressed, because you aren't supposed to have strong feelings for two men at the same time. It was really confusing and overpowering and stressful. One second I was planning the wedding, the next I was smiling about a joke the crush made. I felt insane and emotionally empty at times.

Two weeks before the wedding, crush and I kissed again.

The rest of CITD's absolutely epic letter, her bullet-pointed questions, and my bullet-pointed answers—after the jump.

I realized I was being stupid, loved my fiance completely, and decided not to tell fiance and to never see crush again. Fiance and I talk about not getting married right now, because we love each other less than we ever had before.

We had our wedding and said, "I do" and "forsaking all others" in front of our friends and family. I felt happy and meant what I said.

Two days later, we're sitting in bed, enjoying our first quiet moment, when he asks me what I am thinking about. Of course, I am full of guilt over that kiss and how everything has been messed up, and all I want to do is figure out a way not to be married, I feel guilty for letting him marry me while hiding this secret.

So I tell my husband all of this.

He takes off my ring his ring then leaves.

We didn't send in the paperwork—so officially we were never married.

Initially, I was waiting for him to ask me back. He was saying things like, "I can date you, but not be in a relationship with you" (i.e. we can have sex—which turned out to be really amazing and emotionally charged). Then he got angry and bitter and expressed it in hurtful ways. I endured as much as I could before breaking down.

Then my friend said, I could decide, too.

So I started replacing the negative stuff with positive stuff while he pushed me away and continued to say hurtful things. Two months went by. I slept with someone else, he found out, but asked me back anyway. Even though I wasn't sure, I said, "No." I felt like it would be better for him to have a definitive answer, so he could move past some stuff.

We parted ways for another two months. During this time, I started to miss and long for him. When he came back to town, I gave him space, but also showed I was interested in hanging out. We went out once and he stumbled over saying "it was really nice to see you" in a way that made my heart melt. It gave me hope.

Meanwhile, he met someone else. We were both at a party together, but not together, and after two seconds I realized this girl was into him. Made me feel funny. Small town gossip over the next two weeks—and I hear that she spent the night at his place. I became completely insane with jealousy. Felt sorrowful. Overpowered me for a few days. Called him to clarify the rumors—said some really stupid stuff couldn't even control my mouth—regretted it. A few days later we have a rational talk—he didn't sleep with her. I ask him back. He says, "No".

Says it'd be easy to slip back into parts of our relationship, but his friends would look down on him. I slept with someone else—this turned out to be the unforgivable sin—even more than the crush. How could he ever go away and not imagine me with someone else? How could he trust me again? Says he doesn't love me anymore and we're not getting back together. Says he decided this in August.

I guess this leads to my questions for you.

1. Can you have strong feelings for two people at once?

2. Do we have control over our feelings?

3. Can we will our feelings away?

4. Do feelings lie to us?

5. Should I believe him—about not getting back together? Afterall, I changed my mind.

6. Is it possible to trust someone again?

7. Am I scum?

8. Is our relationship salvageable?

9. How can I ever trust my feelings again? They made me believe I was crazy about someone else when he was just a distraction to avoid saying I was afraid of marriage.

10. Is there a difference between "being in love with" and "loving someone"? I love him more than anything else on this planet, yet this summer I didn't feel "In love" with him—he took that as I don't love him.

11. If he dates someone else and I date someone else—are we writing each other off?

12. Should I just give up?

Thank you very much,

Confused In The Desert

So many big questions. Here we go:

1. Yes, of course. And this is old news:

2. We don't have control over our feelings. Not to get too squishy or anything, but we can't help but to, you know, feel our feelings and shit, feel deep down in our feely places. But we do have control over our actions, our choices, what we tell people, when we tell them, how we tell them, when and where to bury them, which ones we're going to drown in drink, etc.

3. Nope.

4. I'm not sure our feelings lie to us—I don't think our feelings have agency and free will—but sometimes we misunderstand or misinterpret our feelings, or we have feelings that are off, incorrect, irrational, self-destructive, delusional, and/or completely batshit.

5. I don't know if you should or shouldn't believe him when he says he's not interested in getting back together with you—you did, after all, change your mind. I am, however, inclined to think that you two might be well rid of each other. So I guess I'm hoping you two don't get back together. For both your sakes.

6. Sure, yeah, of course, definitely. If only people who had never violated someone's trust, or never had the trust they placed in someone violated, were capable of trusting, CITD, then no one would trust anyone, ever. Placing your trust in someone is decision, a leap of faith, an act of will, and you can trust again... you just have to make up your mind to trust someone again. Or earn someone's trust again. But if your question is, "Can I trust him again?", my answer is, "Dunno." And if your question is, "Can he trust me again?", my answer is, "Dunno."

7. No. It sounds like you were having cold feet and second thoughts and maybe—just maybe—you were slamming your hand down on your relationship's self-destruct button. That said, CITD, it was just one lousy fucking kiss! I'm surprised that two people who loved each other—even if they weren't sure about the "in love" bit, even if they had cold feet—couldn't work through that, or make up their minds not to view a single kiss as an unforgivable betrayal. There are married couples out there who have worked through and gotten past full-blown infidelities!

8. I think I speak for everyone who read your entire letter when I say, "God, I hope not."

9. Your feelings, for the foreseeable future, will require nice, long probationary periods. Go ahead and feel your feelings down in your feely places, CITD, because you can't help but feel 'em. But remind yourself that you've misinterpreted feelings in the past, and had some irrational feelings, and paid a steep price. Then refrain from making any major life decisions and/or major confessions based on a feeling that hasn't stood the test of time.

10. There are times when you aren't "in love with" your partner—there are times when that "I love you" sticks in your throat a bit—but you don't tell your partner that. If you hope to be with someone for the rest of your life, CITD, then you need to maintain the presumption of permanence. And you do that—one of the ways you do that—is by making "in love with" your default setting. You assure your partner that, yes, you're in love with him or her even when you're not quite feeling it, because that's what your partner needs/wants to hear even when—especially when—you're not quite feeling it, CITD, just as it's what you need/want to hear from your partner even when—especially when—they're not quite feeling it.

11. I can't predict the future, CITD, but it sounds that way. There's a chance that you'll both date other people, fuck other people, live with other people, and then both come to the realization that you were meant for each other and get back together... and both come to that realization at the same time. But it's a slim chance, and you shouldn't count on it.

12. Yes.