Robbery is shitty. Robbery at kitchen knife point is shittier. But robbers who fake rape attacks to prey upon human sympathy and rob people are the shittiest.

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According to a Seattle police report, last Tuesday in the wee hours of the morning, officers arrived at a closed bar in the 9400 block of Delridge Way SW (almost certainly Mac's Triangle Pub, according to Google maps) in the city's South Delridge neighborhood. Officers were responding to a reported knife attack, but soon after arriving, they realized the crime they were investigating was in fact an attempted robbery at knife point.

They contacted two bar employees at the scene—one the reported victim, the other a witness. The witness reported that he was taking out the recycling when he heard a loud bang nearby, reportedly caused by a man who was "knocking and pleading at the window" to be let inside the tavern.

See how the R-word plays in after the jump!

The witness briefly told the man that the bar was closed but sent another employee outside to talk to him (and re-locked the tavern door). Then, according to the employee, the banging man "approached him and said he [hadn't] eaten in a few days and some guy was trying to rape him so please let [him] inside the tavern." The banging man reportedly said the guy was trying to "lure him inside the apartment building," so naturally, the employee called 911.

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As he was calling 911, another man approached him and said, "what's up?" to which the employee replied that he was calling 911 for the first man. This response didn't please the first man, who allegedly then "poked [the victim] with a large kitchen type knife," before the two suspects hastily fled on foot. Holy shit, that knife came out of nowhere! Luckily, it didn't even penetrate the victim's jacket.

In a refreshing bit of candor for a police report, the officer wrote down exactly what he speculated happened: "Two Hispanic males were seeking to rob the tavern by using a rape story and it didn't work after [the victim] called 911 and [the witness locked] the door."

May would-be robbers such as these get done like the rapist gets done in the bathtub in the original I Spit on Your Grave.