Gift giving season is upon us, and what gift says "God is always with you" better than reusable Jesus panty liners stitched with inspirational messaging?

The answer is no gift. None. I'd love these as stocking stuffers if I hadn't stopped menstruating the old fashioned way long ago. I don't believe in private stigmatas, so I salted my womb in high school and now I bleed from my eyes for a few days every month instead. That way, everyone has to stare my shame in the face.