I am an 20-year-old female college student dating a 23-year-old guy. I am a kinkster/fetishist and have varied interests and enjoy participating in the fetish community. I met my boyfriend at a kink party and things got serious pretty fast between us. Sexually/kink-wise we get along wonderfully, I enjoy spending time with him, and we're very compatible personality-wise. However, he does not want to be monogamous and wants to continue to sleep around and I very much want to be monogamous.

I care about him so much and don't want to stop dating him, but the thought of him being with other girls is painful and heartbreaking. I feel like he will fall in love with one of the girls he sleeps around with, stop caring about me, and dump me. How can I overcome the tremendous jealousy I feel when he plays around with other girls?

Konfused Kinkster

My response after the jump...


I'm going to try to be gentle with you, KK, seeing as you're only 20.

YOU'RE ONLY 20. HE'S ONLY 23. The odds are already stacked against you, KK. Seriously stacked. Oh, there's a small chance you two will up together, of course, but it's a very, very, very, very small chance. Seriously small. I mean, think of all the people you know who are over 30. Are any of them with the person that they were dating before they could legally drink?

Probably not.

So if you enjoy spending time with this boy, if you two are compatible personality-wise, and the sex wonderful, well, then try to relax and enjoy all the wonderful time you spend sexing with Personality Boy. And when you feel yourself getting tense about those other girls, KK, just remind yourself that this relationship is doomed, other girls or no other girls. He's eventually going to leave you—or you're going to leave him—so why not enjoy him while he lasts?

But if you can't relax and enjoy, KK, if your jealousy is too tremendously tremendous, then it's time to renegotiate terms.

Here's where things stand right now: he let you know that he doesn't want to stop sleeping with other girls and if you want him then you're just gonna have to suck that up. You agreed to his terms, KK, but they're making you miserable so it's time to renegotiate terms. But to do that, KK, you're gonna have to use the only leverage you have over him: you and your winning personality and your sundry orifices. You're gonna have to to tell him that, if he wants to be with you, then he's gonna have to suck monogamy up: no more other girls.

But you gotta mean it, KK, you gotta be willing to walk away if he refuses to stop seeing other girls—walk away from him, which will suck, but also from the pain and the heartbreak, which won't suck.