I want to thank you for your advice to Brother Of The Bride. You hit the nail on the head. The only time my mom could ever talk to my wife, was when I had cancer, and that was to thank her for being such a good "friend". When I told my mom I was getting married she changed the subject. When I told my mom that my wife and I were starting a family, she changed the subject. She won't consider any non-biological children her grandchildren, since they're not related to me. She won't speak to my wife. She purposely speaks in a different language each time I see her. When confronted she said she doesn't speak English well. She worked retail when I grew up. One day, I finally had enough and told her that telling me she loves me and then acting like a homophobe wasn't going to work. She either had to try to get past it or stop talking to me. It's been two years since I've spoken to her, and from what I do know she hasn't changed.
So thank you for telling BOTB the hard truth. Sometimes, a line has to be drawn and you have to stick to your guns. They can either keep their homophobia or their gay kids. They can't have both.
PS. The only thing I'd add to BOTB is it's a hard road to travel. I miss my mom. I miss being able to pick up the phone and talk to her. However, it was harder to endure the blatant disregard for everything important in my life, the lies she told to people about me (being single and not married), and to watch her ignore the woman I loved.
Thanks for writing, Sil, and do stick to your guns. Your mother may yet come around. It took my first boyfriend's parents more than a decade, but they eventually came around—and his dad was a baptist minister and it was 1982. Know hope, as Andrew likes to say. Best to you, the wife, and the family.