A few things, Dan...

1. I'm gay, single and in my mid-30s. Last fall, I met an amazing guy at a party and developed an instant crush. I met him again just before Thanksgiving and he seemed to be as into me as I was into him, so I asked him out for coffee and he accepted. I had a fantastic time with him. We have a great rapport, we come from similar backgrounds, he's genuinely nice, he laughs at my jokes and he's gorgeous. The problem is that, as I discovered on our (non-)date, he has a boyfriend. I was disappointed, naturally, but figured it would still be nice to have a friend that I get along with so well. Last week, we met for dinner and, again, had a great time. I was about to ask him out a third time when I decided to stop kidding myself. I'm happy with him as a friend, but I want more. He's the kind of guy I've been looking for my entire life, my Hunky Dreamboat come true. So, my question is: Is there any way to pursue this guy without being a complete and total asshole? Or do I automatically become an asshole for going after someone else's boyfriend? He's only mentioned the BF once, and that was when I asked if he had one, so maybe it's not that serious.

2. You posted some letters from satisfied readers on Slog last week, so I thought I'd add my thanks. Last year I attended two parties at a local bondage club and had a transcendent experience. At one point I was tied to a table, gagged and blindfolded, while five guys worked me over. I am a preacher's son from a small town in the Midwest and this never would have happened—I never would have known that bondage parties existed—without years of reading "Savage Love." Thank you!

3. I started reading Slog a few years ago, just for your blog posts, but now I'm hooked. I've lived in Chicago since 1994 and I am more well-informed about local Seattle politics than I am about Chicago politics. I've practically memorized Lindy's review of SATC 2. You guys rock.

Thanks For Everything

My response after the jump...


1. It sure sounds like this guy—this guy with a BF that he didn't think to mention to someone who asked him out on a two dates—is pursuing you, TFE, seeing as he's, you know, dating with you and everything. And it shouldn't come as news to any regular reader of my column that a person can mess around with a guy who's in a relationship—a person can even date one—without either person being or becoming assholes... all you gotta do is ascertain that this particular guy is in one of those open relationships that we're always arguing about in comments threads. His being gay ups the odds; his failure to mention his boyfriend's existence lowers 'em. (Honest guys in legit open relationships don't downplay the BFs waiting for 'em at home.)

So talk to the hot guy, TFE. Open relationship? Great! Fuck him, meet the boyfriend, fuck 'em both. Closed relationship that he wants out of? Not so great. Tell the hot guy you're interested in him and you're more than happy to be the incentive he needs to get out of the unsatisfying relationship he's in now... and once he's out, he should give you a call.

2. You're welcome! Send pics!

3. Slog has that effect on people, I've heard, and Lindy's SATC review is one for the ages. I hope you're reading her hilarious column too.