It's estimated that seven million people will miss work tomorrow (the day after the Super Bowl). Sports fan or not, this is truly a Bacchanalian celebration of American opulence. Booze, mountains of shitty food, gambling, drugs, violence, and bros humping in the streets. It's all there. If you are a casual fan, this game is between two Goliath NFL franchises in cities you most likely have no desire to visit (Pittsburgh versus Green Bay). So, you have the Pittsburgh Steelers led by their (allegedly) rape-y star quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and the Green Bay Packers backed by their rabid and most likely constipated cheese-headed fans. The Roman numerals add a touch of pomp, and as a bonus they confuse NASCAR fans. Either way, everyone will get shit-housed and eat too much processed food. The winner gets to go to Disneyland, and Roger Goodell and NFL owners will make a bajillion dollars.

As a Seattle Seahawks fan, you HATE these teams. The Steelers pulled off one of the greatest Super Bowl heists of all time when they beat the Seahawks 21-10 in Super Bowl XL on a game-changing pass-interference call (it just hurts my soul to type that). The ref later apologized and admitted he botched the call. Well fuck you, ref. Your belated apology doesn't mean jack unless the Vince Lombardi Trophy becomes retroactive as your apology. The Packers are just assholes. They beat us in 2004 and again in 2007 when Brett Favre (asshole!) was just beginning his “maybe I'll retire” charade. That Favre shovel pass to Donald Driver in the 2007 NFC Division playoff game still haunts me, but the real dagger was the 2004 NFC Championship. That game actually made me hate cheese for a while. Unfair to cheese I know, BUT WE HAD THAT ONE! The Seahawks won the coin-toss in overtime and Matt Hasselbeck says, “We'll take the ball and we are going to score!” What a wiener. He doomed us, he really did. The Hawks went on to lose in overtime, when—big surprise here, Matty-Nice threw a pick-6 to Al Harris. Ug. See you Tuesday!