I'm hardly a theater critic. Never have been, never will be. But I know hair metal. Just look at my hair in 1989. I worked hard for that hair, every day, with lots and lots and lots of Aqua Net. I can't even count how many hours I spent listening to Quiet Riot, Twisted Sister, Dokken, Foreigner, and Whitesnake. I still know all the words. I went to The Paramount Theatre, hoping to get all silly, happy, and nostalgic about "those days". I left at intermission.

Rock Of Ages—I know you're a "five-time Tony Award® nominated smash-hit musical"—but you shamed me. Disgraced my memories, my pride, and part of my history. All those jazz-hands, mullet wigs, saxophones(?), and the absolute annihilation of my favorite 80's songs (think: two-hour version of Fergie singing Guns N' Roses) were NOT ENTERTAINING.

If you must, the musical runs tonight through Sunday.

I'm gonna go listen to "18 and Life" again, and pretend none of it ever happened. You can't take this one away from me. I won't let you put your jazz hands all over this one! NO, NO, NO!

Oh, also, there's THIS. Tom Cruise? TOM SCIENTOLOGY CRUISE singing Bon Jovi? No, no, no!