Most crimes are boring to read about (anonymous burglaries), and many of them are sad, because there is nothing funny about desperate people doing desperate things in order to survive. Whether they're beating someone up for a five-dollar bill (.pdf), or getting into an altercation at a homeless shelter (.pdf), it seems clear that most criminals—the non-sociopaths, anyway—are people who feel like they don't have any other options. And maybe they're right.
But then there are those occasional reports of incompetent would-be criminals, whose shoddily-executed crimes and marked lack of enthusiasm suggest not desperation, but boredom.
One of these incidents took place last Tuesday, at approximately 9:40 a.m., when a man entered a downtown Seattle bank and allegedly informed the greeter that he was "going to rob this place." But there was a problem: His heart just wasn't in it.
According to the police report, he then allegedly demanded money from the teller. But apparently, his blasé delivery seriously compromised his credibility as a would-be robber. Two employees interviewed by police after the incident said they "didn't take him seriously" and "kind of laughed." The man then gave them a "disgusted" look and left the bank.
The employees then waited approximately an hour to report the aborted robbery because they still weren't certain if it was for real. When they finally contacted corporate security, the bank manager was instructed to call the police, and when officers finally arrived and questioned the bank employees, none of them expressed concern at their interaction with the man.
"Since the reaction was the same by each of the employees," the officer wrote, "I put out an information bulletin...requesting that [the suspect] be identified, not arrested, if contacted."
This attempted bank robbery failed for two reasons: The suspect didn't have the conviction (or perhaps the self-confidence) to execute a robbery, and the bank employees sensed this lack of resolve and couldn't take him seriously. He wasn't desperate or committed enough to be a threat.
So, I guess you can't, like, half-ass a bank robbery. (Or whatever.)