I'm a 50 year-old white collar guy, and I am freaked the fuck out that I have gotten this far in my life without (apparently) knowing the Unwritten Rules of Eye Contact. I've been happily married for over 25 years. Our sex life is great. Kids are great. No real complaints.

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But.

There's this 25 year-old female friend of mine who is really throwing my heart and mind into a tailspin, and it's all over the URoEC. We've been friends for awhile, always enjoy each other's company. The only time I see her we are in mixed company, with other mutual friends and family. Early on in our friendship, I noticed that she would break (what I thought was) the URoEC—more than 3 seconds, and something's going on. So, for fun, I would do it, too. Now, whenever we are having a conversation, we're basically staring into each other's eyes.

At first I thought, "Either I'm nuts or she's into me." I decided to go with "I'm nuts," and haven't thought much about it since. Until a mutual friend at a party we both were attending pulled me to one side and asked, "How long have you been doing her?" I was totally flabbergasted. When I denied having "done" her, the mutual friend said, "I see how you too look at each other—you're either lying or you wish you were lying."

Since then, I have been increasingly consumed with love for this woman. Her beautiful brown eyes draw me like a magnet every time I see her. She is funny, smart, mature and holds an attraction for me like no other woman ever has. So, while I'm quietly going out of my head every time I see her, I wonder: have the URoEC changed? Do some people just stare into other people's eyes for no reason? Is the three-second rule no longer the three-second rule? What do you do when someone looks at you like that?

Sign Me However You Like

My response after the jump...

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You're happily married, you've got kids, you have a great sex life—sorry, SMHYL, but you're not gonna get an infidelity permission slip from me, not today. (I'm writing in a coffee shop this afternoon, not a bar.) You simply don't have cause, you don't have grounds, to cheat on the wife. I'm sorry, but f you decide to go ahead and bang the young lady you'll have to accept the dreaded CPOS label.

And before you hit on her...

You have no way of knowing that this young lady actually wants to bang you. She may be fucking with you, SMHYL, or she may actually be attracted to you but sees you as unavailable—as you're happily married and all—and eyefucks you because it seems harmless. Attracted to you or not, should you do decide to make a fool of yourself—excuse me, should you decide to make a pass at Half Your Age Woman—you had better brace yourself for rejection.

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But do not hit on her until you've read and reread this paragraph enough times that you believe it in your middle-aged gut: You are not in love with this woman. You have a crush on this woman, you want to stick your dick in this woman, you want this woman because she's hot and young and she may be attracted to older men and the ego boost is cranking your brains and your balls. But you are not in love with her. Period. The end.

Your marriage can survive your making the mistake of hitting on this woman, it can survive your making the mistake sleeping with her if it turns out that she's into you, it might even survive the wife finding out about the affair. But your marriage won't survive if you make the mistake of confusing infatuation and/or lust for love. So repeat after me, SMHYL: "I love my wife, I love my family, I want to fuck the living shit out of this insanely hot 25-year-old who keeps eyefucking me at parties but I am not in love with her."

And as for all of your eye-contact rule stuff: I really don't know what the fuck you're talking about there, gramps. Okay! Workday's done, I'm off to a bar. Feel free to email me again in two hours—pour a couple of pints in me and you just might get that permission slip you were after.