Don't worry! I recapped the entire thing in my column this week...
In case you missed it (my heartiest congratulations), here is a complete chronological recap of this year's Academy Awards or, as I like to call it, Hollywood Gets One of Its Ribs Removed So It Can Suck Its Own Dick for Three Hours: The Movie.
First, beautiful movie stars James Franco and Anne Hathaway take the stage and gaze languidly at themselves in an ornate, gilded mirror for 20 minutes while the audience, which is also full of movie stars, applauds. The movie stars smile inwardly and applaud a little harder to congratulate themselves on their own graciousness. Then, Franco and Hathaway are interrupted by Kirk Douglas, who surprises everyone by still being alive even though he is literally 475 years old.
