I'm 30, married for three years, and bisexual. My wife knows about this, and we have a great sex life. She has said she's not particularly comfortable thinking about my past sexual experiences with guys, but says it's no big deal as long as I don't cheat on her (with either sex). We almost never talk about my bisexuality. Despite her assurances, I'm sure she's not comfortable with it.

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However, despite how much I enjoy sex with my wife, one of my biggest turn ons is being found sexually attractive by other people, and knowing that they are getting off watching me. Before I met my wife, I had sexual encounters with guys, and I found that they were hugely aroused just by the sight of my cock. The intensity of their attraction was like nothing I've ever experienced with women. I still think back to these moments when I jerk off. They were utterly primal, raw sexual experiences—these men were just as turned on my watching me as I was by being watched. I miss the feeling of being able to make someone cum simply by having them watch me. Not one woman I've ever known has wanted to watch a guy cum on his own chest.

I can't make my wife enjoy watching me jerk off, or make her get off by watching me walk around naked... so... I've started up an xtube account. I've posted pics and videos, and have gotten very good responses from guys. Quite simply, gay men are easier to turn on than straight women. If my wife knew about this xtube page, I'm 100% certain she would not be happy. She has made it very clear that our sex life is OUR sex life, and there is to be no fooling around of any kind. But this xtube experience is just the outlet I need to keep from going crazy.

What do you think of this situation, Dan? Does having this "second sex life" constitute cheating or do you think it's justified?


Porn Star Wannabe

My response after the jump.


I kindasorta think it constitutes cheating and I absofuckinglutely think it's justified. I also think you should lob this shit straight into the fan—that is, you should tell your insecure, controlling wife about your XTube account.

No one should have to spend his/her entire adult life pretending that one person can be all things to him/her sexually. Gay, bi, straight, lesbian, whatever—even if we make and manage to keep a monogamous commitment for ten, twenty, thirty, or forty years, we will still be attracted to other people. We will still fantasize about other people and most of us have particular fantasies that our partners—for whatever reason—simply can't help us realize. Two mature adults in a healthy marriage should at the very least be able to acknowledge these facts—and, no, acknowledging these facts doesn't mean you have to give your partner the okay to fuck around on you. It just requires you to accept that your partner is human. Like you.

So while you agreed to be faithful to your wife, PSW, she did agree to marry you—a bi guy with an exhibitionistic streak and a desire for a little male attention. You're not asking her for permission to fuck around or sleep around or jack-off-around. All you're asking for a small accommodation, i.e. a safe and limited and reasonable outlet that satisfies your urge to show off without taking anything away from your wife or placing her at any risk. (Beating off on XTube for strangers presents no STI risk and you're not going to form a competing romantic attachement.)

Hey, here's a venn diagram:


Let's pretend that the circle on the left represents the sexual interests of a hypothetical wife; the circle on the right represents the sexual interests of a hypothetical husband. If the only things this couple is allowed to experience and explore sexually are the turnons and fantasies that land in the area marked "C," both Mr. and Mrs. Hypothetical are going to wind up be feeling sexually unfulfilled. Resentment and frustration will poison the relationship unless some accommodation is made for those non-overlapping sexual interests. Sexual accommodations can take many forms—mutual GGG indulgence of non-overlapping sexual interests; permission to safely explore non-overlapping sexual interests through porn, fantasy, and masturbation; the okay to seek some mutually agreed upon outside sexual contact—but accommodations are the only way to assure that your spouse doesn't begin to view you as the person who ruined his or her sex life.

But an accommodation typically has to be demanded before it gets made, PSW. So start making demands.

Moving on to the next does-this-constitute-cheating question...

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Is it considered cheating on your boyfriend when you r having sex with him that u r wishing he was a woman. And u picture his face as pussy.

Confused Girl Wants To Know

You stumped me there, CGWTK. Anybody want to take a crack at her question?