First of all, let us try and imagine the type of person who spends their time writing/editing the Wikipedia page for "Smurfette." Done? Good. (Sorry for what is happening in your brain right now.)

Second of all, if you are not familiar with the sordid history of Smurfette, YOU ARE WELCOME IN ADVANCE.

Third of all, taking into consideration items 1 and 2 (see above), it should come as no surprise that the Wikipedia page for "Smurfette" is one of the greatest pieces of literature in existence. I shall now quote it liberally for your pleasure.

Smurfette was magically created from clay by the Smurfs' enemy, Gargamel, so that she would use her charms to cause jealousy and competition among the Smurfs in order to cause their fall.


Gargamel's plans didn't work well at all. The smurfs' kindness to Smurfette caused her to want nothing else than to be a real smurf. Papa Smurf took pity on her and took her to his laboratory, where they locked themselves in while he cast spells, including infusing her with moonbeams, before emerging.

Oh, okay. He infused her with moonbeams and now she calls him "Papa." Gross.

Papa Smurf magically undid some of Gargamel's spells, consequently turning Smurfette into a more beautiful creature. Her hair grew and became blonde. Her dress became more frilly. As a final touch, her shoes turned into high-heel pumps.

Attention: girls with short, dark hair who don't wear high heels. You are evil and made of clay and will remain so until you let an elderly elf bone you inside a magic mushroom.

Smurfette now had long, flowing blonde hair and an appealing character. This caused every Smurf of the village to fall in love with her.

Except, of course, for Gaylord Smurf.

The Smurfs got their revenge on Gargamel by using the same process that he had used to make the Smurfette, but in this case they built a man-sized, wart-covered, ugly old hag who talked Smurf language and chased the horrified sorcerer all over the forest.

Come on, you guys. Man-sized rape-witch is like the oldest trick in the book.

She is not only the love interest with younger Smurfs such as Handy but Papa Smurf has a small interest in her as well. When he announces to her that she "should consider an older and more mature Smurf" She becomes a little grossed out but covers it up easily so Papa Smurf does not take to noticing.


Also, this is happening.

(My review of the Smurfs movie comes out in tomorrow's paper.)