SL Letter of the Day: Nope, Not Okay


Always love the back & forths.
@1, I agree. Especially when the correspondent is succinct and the exchange results in a satisfied customer.

But I always wonder if they took Dan's excellent advice.
Are the majority of gay men strictly top or bottom (as opposed to versatile)?
Strauss-Kahn and Wolfowitz got to the top of the world's banking institutions amidst cheating! Yes, cheat! cheat! cheat! Don't give me this christian moralizing, no thank you.
Still easing back into this, eh? This seems pretty (ahem) straightforward.

(Just ribbing...I hope you had a great vacation, Dan.)

@3 I don't think we gays do as much butt stuff as straight people seem to think we do.
@6, The straight people I know seem to obsess over vaginal sex to the point of pretending other kinds of sex are not sex. It isn't surprising many assume gay people are similarly obsessed with anal sex.
If you're so frustrated with your husband that you're willing to cheat on him—nine times!—then do the right thing and break up with him.
@4: Take your meds, you have a problem. You should seek help.
@8,9: Dan's not going to fuck you, no matter how hard you try.
"We are 100% safe"
......famous last words.

Danny, did you point out to the little shit that anal sex is not 100% safe even if using a condom (even if using five condoms....)

Danny, did you point out to the little shit that he is cheating and promiscuous sex, even using a condom, even using FIVE condoms, is not "100% safe"?

Danny, did you point out to the little fuckwad that whoring around, with or without condoms, is how 20% of The Gay wind up with AIDS?

Danny, did you mention ANY of that?

Old homos who will not educate young homos is also how we reach the point of 20% of The Gay with AIDS....


we realize that Danny only has eyes for Rick......
TANG: Dan is right. You do have a right to seek a partner who is sexually compatible. If you want a versatile partner, then go find one. Don't stay with an exclusive bottom and cheat on him. That makes you the asshole. If you are cheating on your boyfriend after only 7 months, then you are not in a healthy relationship. It may be better than your previous relationships, but a relationship based on lies cannot be described as healthy.
1) Youth is when you're supposed to get out your CPOS tendencies.

2) Open relationship out of the question? Or, do you just like cheating?
I'm curious how that conversation is going to go. This is my fantasy script for TANG, but is it grossly unrealistic? What endearments do gay guys use for each other, anyway?
TANG: "Um, sweetheart, I have a confession. I've been going and finding guys to fuck my ass. I've done it X times so far this year. I'd really rather that you would do it to me, but apparently I just can't give it up. Can we work on it some more, to make it more fun for you as well? Can I trade you some other act, that you've been wanting more of? Or can I have your permission to go get this itch scratched with other guys? I love you, and I hope we can find a way to make this work."

Ugh. Yes, kid, gay people, just like all other people, should actually discuss their relationships and negotiate honestly what they want and need. [Clue: when you use the word 'cheating', it's not usually a good sign.]
This may sound like a presumptuous suggestion considering I'm neither gay nor a male, but is it realistic for TANG to suggest his partner use a strap-on dildo? Assuming it's the actual penetration he doesn't like? Or is it just the position/dynamic of the whole thing?
@4 and 9: it's only cheating if you tell your partner you wouldn't fuck other people. I don't think that's the case for Dan or DSK.
@12: using 5 condoms in tops on other seem like a very bad idea.

@19 We know Dan isn't monogamous (unless he's lying and Terry never read or heard anything he says) But for DSK, like for politicians in most sex-scandal (I mean the sleeping around, not the possibly rape(s)) we can only wonder: did the spouses knew and agree? Did they learned like us in news paper, or before but stayed married for the sake of the career? Since it's impossible for a politician to be anything but publicly monogamous, it's hard to say.
Huh? You're 18, break up and find someone who is sexually compatible with you.

Not so much. Right or wrong, the default assumption (in our society, at least) is that "being in a relationship" means monogamy unless stated otherwise.

So, it isn't a "get out of assholerly free" card to have not bothered to mention you don't intend to be monogamous. You have to explicitly discuss non-monogamy and be clear that it's mutually acceptable.

Honestly, I think anyone in a relationship, even if both people intend to be monogamous, is an idiot not to have at least one clear and unambiguous discussion about the subject.

At least the kid knew he was cheating and didn't try to weasel around it with some "we never actually said we wouldn't fuck other people" story.
Why is 7 months always too soon to go without condoms in a monogamous relationship? That's more than enough time for HIV or anything else to show up on tests, for instance.

@6, 7: I'd love to know some actual statistics on that: I have seen one survey that said about a third of gay guys don't do anal at all, I think, but I'd be curious what the breakdown of gay sex sessions averages out to, and if it varies by age or location. Why isn't anal as common as people think? I personally find grabbing and pounding a hole to be really great and satisfying in a way that other sex acts can't match, and I suspect that's pretty common, so I'd be surprised if anal were rare for gay guys.
What the fuck is it with this moron? I apologize on behalf of my generation.

@12: It's possible to be 100% safe from STDs without using any condoms at having sex only with people who are clean. Dumbass.
TANG at 18, just because the body's done growing...

doesn't mean the brain is. Learn to be honest, and if you can't work it out, move on if need be. Just remember, some mistakes can be permanent. Not just diseases and careless accidents, but damaging loved ones when they find you cheated on them; make a clean break.

"I fear I'm sexually over-experienced for my age." Wtf is that supposed too mean? He had plenty of sex and he needs the world to know?

@23: I think it is more about getting to know the person than just getting the result of std test. The same way it is considered irresponsible to marry someone you've met six month ago, to stop using condoms too soon can be dangerous. Not that you can ever really know 100% someone, but the longer you wait, the safer you are. For example, TANG's boyfriend doesn't know that his boyfriend is cheating on him and could be at risk if he had stopped using condoms already.
Dan protecting hearts. Because someone hasta.
@ 24 - But how can you be sure they are "clean"? I mean, absolutely sure?

People lie, people cheat... and people may have a recent test result handy to show you, but who tells you they haven't been screwing around unprotected since they got the test?
@20 It's a well-accepted fact of French politics that everyone of them sleeps around. Chirac did, Mitterand did ; Sarkozy would have us believe that he does - but I think his wife is more likely the one doing most of the sleeping around. It's upper society for you : when money and power meet, other rules apply.

Being publicly monogamous may be important in the USA, it's not in France. Journalists wouldn't report about it, because everybody would find info about the sex lifes of politicians in very bad taste, and totally besides the point : a serious journalist reporting about someone's sexual behaviour would loose all his credibility.

When I vote, I vote for someone who will lead the country in the right direction : that's politics - and, if possible, by not employing too vicious means : that's ethics. I don't care how he/she has sex and with whom. Likewise I expect politicians not to be nosy about how I have sex.

The mayor of Paris is openly gay and he still got elected, I don't know if he's monogamous or not and frankly I don't care - what I care about is all the new bike lanes and bikes for rent everywhere. Short of a crime (raping someone, like DSK was accused of) his sex life is of no interest to me.
Besides, I'm sure Anne Sinclair (DSK's spouse) knew and has her own private life. Just like Danielle Miterrand did.

And journalists do sleep around too. Often with politicians, by the way.

Actually it is 110% Safe.
You get bonus points because
no one ever lies about being disease free.

according to the CDC 95% of homosexuals take it in the ass
@12, 24 - Commenter 12 is being rudely patronizing, but does have a point. TANG's belief that he's 100% safe from HIV and other diseases because he's using condoms is, well, wrong - which means he's putting his boyfriend at some physical risk as well as the emotional risk of hurt feelings when he finds out he's been cheated on.

@24, even Dan, who is pro-non-monogamy for people who want non-monogamy will readily admit that having sex with multiple partners carries increased risk of STDs, even if all your partners believe they are disease-free (I personally dislike the term "clean," as it seems to imply some moral judgement on health status). It only takes one liar, or one person who's ignorant about their status, in a network of sexually active people for a disease to spread.
...none of which is to say that condoms aren't a good idea, or that checking your partners' status isn't a good idea, just that there's not really any 100% that doesn't involve abstinence. Monogamy with a tested, trusted partner is pretty darn close to 100%, but still not a guarantee since they could break that trust without your knowledge.

Nor am I advocating abstinence, which carries its own risks like sexual unfulfillment. Everyone has to do their own cost-benefit analysis and figure out what risks they're willing to take for what gains.

Anal Sex, even with someone who isn't packing STDs, is a filthy unhealthy risky practice.
A condom may mitigate that fact slightly but does not render it "safe"

Junior, you need to have Danny explain to you how to do anal "right"...
@35: Kissing is also a filthy unhealthy risky practice. You can catch various viral infections (such as cold sores) by kissing an infected person, and you're exposing the environment of your mouth to one of the most bacteria-laden orifices on the human body. Even neglecting the microbial risks, it's possible to DIE from kissing someone if you have a severe food allergy and they don't wash up as well as they should. You can also suffer damage to the teeth, lips, tongue, or gums from kissing.
Now pardon me while I go swap some spit with my girlfriend.

we see your point.

Kissing YOUR GF probably is nastier than rimming.....
So all these unregistered comments are the closet case known as Seattle Blues, I assume. I may be wrong, of course. They may be from some _other_ closet case.
@38, Let's just chalk it up to a sad case, indeed.
@23 this case is the perfect case of why 7 months is too soon o.O Even if they both tested & were clean... the cheating aspect really means that they need to be retested often (and back on condoms)...

And once again, I like the fact that unregistered comments are not open by default... (Of course, there's a bit of irony in that as I grouch on G+ over nymgate...)
@27... love it.
@38: While I disagree with SeattleBlues, he is at least usually civil and coherent. The unregistered comments are from someone often referred to as the "period troll" (because he uses . as a pseudonym) who predates SeattleBlues, I believe.
@26, 28, 40: Yes, you never know for sure if you can trust someone, if they're lying about test results, if they're cheating on you, no matter how long you've known them. And of course, each person has to decide his own level of risk, because nothing is perfectly safe in this world.

I'm just surprised at this idea that seven months is definitively too soon. How common is this, and is this recommendation for straight people as well? I could see some people deciding to wait longer, but the suggestion I've most frequently seen is to wait 3-6 months and get tested together, and that strikes me as pretty conservative.
@43: I've heard Dan suggest that gay men should stop using condoms at around the same time that they would stop using *all* birth control if they were straight. If I remember correctly, his rationale was that, in general, STDs and HIV are more common amongst gay men than straight people, so the risk to life and limb of a partner cheating even once is greater.