You seem to give a lot of DTMFA advice. These are almost always the same formula—one person in the relationship is being a real shit—usually selfish and/or insensitive. The DTMFA advice seems very logical, and at first I was amazed the advice had to be sought at all! It seemed so obvious.SponsoredThese sensational singer-songwriters celebrate their hit records, Careless Love and This Fire, at Benaroya Hall!
Then my last two relationships were with very high-maintenance selfish individuals. The first one wasn't worth it at all. Not only was she selfish, she didn't bring a whole lot else to the table. My current girlfriend is also inherently selfish, very unstable, and will go between treating me well and treating me like crap. But she has a lot else to offer. If I were to simply concentrate on one part of the issue, my advice to myself would be DTMFA.
But what about her? Do selfish people not deserve ANY relationships? Would you give DTMFA advice to anyone who's in a relationship with a selfish person whose instability makes them occasionally treat you like crap? It's easy to say that the selfish person isn't "ready" for a relationship, but that goes under the assumption that both people are entitled to great relationships, and that the selfish person is only selfish temporarily, and it's not a permanent personality trait. You say fat people deserve love. Kinky people too. What about assholes, the selfish, or the unstable?
State Versus Trait
My response—and a couple of bonus DTMFA letters—after the jump...
First: No one is entitled to a great relationship. No one is entitled to a relationship. No one is entitled to anything.
Second: Anyone and everyone in a long-term relationship occasionally gets treated like crap. The only way to avoid being treated like crap by a lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife is never to have a lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. The secret to LTR success is finding a lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife whose crap you're able to tolerate (including their occasionally-treating-you-like-crap crap) and who's able to tolerate your crap (including your occasionally-treating-them-like-crap crap) in return.
Third: People who send DTMFA letters to advice columnists—people who are dating or married to toxic pieces of shit and know it—are usually seeking permission to do what they know they must: dump the motherfucker already. They just need a little push, in public, and it's our solemn responsibility, as professional advice columnists, to let 'em have it.
Fourth: There are people out there who are dating, living with, or married to selfish, unstable, high-maintenance motherfuckers who aren't sending letters to me or Margo or Amy or Carolyn or Cary. And I speak for all of us when I say that people who are willing to put up with selfish, unstable, high-maintenance motherfuckers because their particular motherfuckers bring something else to the table—a 13" dick, a seven-figure income, a chain of private islands in the Caribbean—deserve gold stars for keeping their motherfuckers out of bars and clubs, off OkCupid and eHarmony, and away from Grindr and DN.
I am in need of help! My 18 yr marriage is crumbling. My husband has informed me that if I don't want to participate in group sex, he no longer wants to be with me. He says he has controlled his sex drive our entire marriage but is no longer willing to do so. I would be willing to consider letting him go and enjoy himself, but I am terrified of him passing an STD to me. I know that he would not be willing to use condoms, because they would "interfere" with his erection. He refuses counseling, and says it's my turn to do it his way. I have NO interest in group, or 3 way sex. Do I have to participate to keep him? And how do I prevent the possibility of an STD?
I grew up masturbating in the digital age, so in any given week I get off on "wincest," japanese hypnosis porn, and erotic literature involving cat people. I'm also a young husband who's gone a few years past your recommended date for laying down kink cards. I've been deliberating whether to out myself to my wife, but there's a rub. The last time she found out I masturbated to anyone or anything other than her, it wasn't pretty. She hit me. A lot. I cried. I swore I would never look at porn again. Of course, I just was more careful about hiding it. She's apologized since then, but I'm still pretty reserved on the topic.
My question is this: is there a limit on the necessitated disclosure of my wet dreams? I don't have to tell her the one where I'm having sex with her best friend while she, having been turned into a dog, looks on stupidly, right? Can I settle for "I masturbate to women who aren't you"? Maybe the fantasies aren't even important; I'm normal when there's two backs, I only get weird going solo.
Wife Abusive, Not Kinky
I'm a 24-year-old gay man. I've been going out with my boyfriend, who is 23, for almost a year. He gets extremely upset whenever I do anything that he perceives as feminine—upset to the point of blowing up at me and even berating me in front of my friends. The latest incident: a friend posted a picture of me in drag to his Facebook page. It was a Halloween party, I was in college. My boyfriend screamed at me for two days while I begged my friend to delete the picture. Also: when he tops me, he doesn't want me to touch myself or he sometimes gets angry if I get hard because "only women and faggots enjoy being fucked." He's a great guy otherwise and I think his hangups are a cultural thing—he's from a very conservative cultural background—and he hasn't been out for very long.
Not Man Enough