Before I go into the now I’ll delve to the past for a little background on myself.

I have always been attracted to females. I have always had crushes on female teachers and classmates. I have always fantasized about women. Another friends mother caught myself and my closest early childhood friend, a girl, naked and in missionary position when we were five. This was my first sexual experience, and I was hard. I think I learned the moves I used on my girl (I was french kissing her) from films. To this day I have trouble getting hard without making out. My love-making style is very cinematic.

I digress.

Moving on, I have had experiences with other males as well. All fondling. I have at times found the penis erotic but it does not consume me. I enjoy women so much and prefer them in every respect. None of my erotic dreams include men and I have only masturbated to orgasm thinking of a man once, which felt awkward and not erotic. The issue at hand, so to speak, is that I get pegged, so to speak, as being gay, so to speak, quite a lot. I recognize why this would be. I do flirt with men. I sincerely like being nice and making people happy and as a matter of course I smile and make eye contact. I think some guys may confuse my polite, hippie "I love everybody" hippie mentality for my being willing to suck their dicks to MAKE them happy, which honestly is not a can of worms, so to speak, that I feel compelled to open. There are plently of women in the world, and I am not in prison at the moment.

The rest of the question—and my response—after the jump...

The pattern I see:

A. The guys usually accusing me of being gay display a general homophobia.


B. The guys accusing me of being gay are not that attractive in my eyes. Rarely do guys I myself would consider handsome accuse me of being gay. These are "don’t flatter yourself" scenarios.

I am a pretty boy, so perhaps this causes confusion. My eyes are feminine, I have long lashes. I like to make eye contact with everyone. It seems that sometimes I can't say the same thing "dudely dudes" can say without causing confusion. A simple comment like, "Let's go out for hot dogs," takes on certain connotations when I say it, whereas regular dudes can say it without setting off anyone's gaydar.

Also, many of these guys who accuse me of being gay seem insecure in general. I notice that I also tend to display "mate poaching behavior," meaning I tend to flirt with women who are in relationships, and I have been with quite a few women who are in relationships, or married, and committed women are often attracted to me.

Generally, Dan, I guess I am just a flirtatious guy. I take a genuine interest and seek to make a deep connection with people. I consider myself a very sensual person and in a way I understand how a lot of guys might think I would be gay. Overt sensuality and sexuality in the male is a distinction prone to gray areas and confusion, I am sure. Also: I seem to act more gay around homophobes, to the point where even I start to question things. I think part of me is like, "Well, if they think I'm gay, then maybe I am gay." And this throws me for a loop, because i know I love women. I enjoy being with women and I am happy with women.

It dawns on me that these accusers—these men who think I'm gay—might be the insecure ones. A certain psychological dynamic seems to be at play. Many of the homophobes I meet display dominant behavior to each other, squabbling with guys they consider friends, getting drunk and fucking with each other. From my hippie all-is-love perspective, this seems more gay than just being nice, sensitive and caring. Boys will be boys, though, and I am a boy, but these mounting, wolf-pack dominance games don't hold my interest.

So, to break it down: Sometimes I feel gay. But usually it is only around insecure homophobes who I don't consider attractive! When I am around straight people that I consider secure, I don't feel gay at all! I make eye contact with them, have a genuine interaction with them. I have been around a lot of gay people. I worked a promotion for a pride festival and a liquor promotion for a gay bar. And I don't feel gay at all around gay people! I flirt and have fun but feel no desire to go home with anyone or anything. I love affection in general!

Also, when a homophobic person starts in on me, I find myself egging them on. Freudian slips of innuendo just blurt out when I speak when I speak to them! It's almost as if I am actively toying with their insecurities. And again, these are guys who I don't consider physically beautiful at all. This does not happen really when I am around guys who are secure with themselves, in their relationships and elsewhere, be they gay or straight.

I feel very frustrated, Dan, because a lot of the flak I get seems to be about other guys' issues, not mine. Most of it really. I don't feel confused at all, but I feel like I confuse people.

Damn Acronyms Really Evade


I should probably re-read your letter before I bang out a response, DARE, but I'm sitting with my laptop near a window and re-reading your letter might prompt me to throw my laptop, myself, or both right out this open window. So forgive me for dashing this off: Yes, DARE, you confuse people.

And you're doing it on purpose, pretty little hippie, and you damn well know it. But let me unpack it for you just in case...

You pursue women who have boyfriends and flirt with men who have issues because you take a certain sadistic pleasure in causing erotic chaos wherever you go. Creating that chaos with those pretty eyes feeds your ego, DARE, while your "I love everybody" hippie routine provides you with a transparent-from-where-I-sit-contemplating-suicide alibi. When you bed women who have boyfriends, it proves that you're just as hot as you think you are; when you flirt with and unnerve straight-identified "dudely dudes," it proves that you're just as hot as you think you are. But because you're actually attracted to some men, DARE, you don't allow yourself to flirt with good looking dudes. You're simply not secure enough in your sexuality to risk eyefucking/innuendoing a guy that you might actually want to go to bed with.

I'm sorry if all of that sounds harsh, my pretty little hippie, and there are worse things you could do than be a player and a prick tease. (And, hey, I'm all for fucking with conflicted closet cases.) But at some point you're going to have to admit—at least to yourself—that this "I love everybody" hippie routine of yours is a disguise, DARE, and that you get off on creating confusion and chaos wherever you go and that you're a narcissist (perhaps with cause) who has a sadistic streak (not there's anything wrong with a sadistic streak, properly channeled).

In other words, DARE, you're the satyr, not the faun. Own it.