SL Letter of the Day: A Lovely Problem To Have


LW is insecure because his partner has only recently become available and is drop-dead gorgeous. It doesn't matter that they are gay, the same would be true if it were a straight LW with a recently-became-aware-of-self gorgeous girlfriend. The guy would then be wondering: "When is she going to realize that I am not all-that?" or "Is this relationship with a relatively inexperienced person going to last?" or "Isn't she aware that there are better catches than myself?"

Sorry buddy, your long term chances are not very good with an inexperienced partner. But, you never know. Just be yourself (probably very caring and understanding if you're attracting a wonderful, newly outed person) and hope for the best. Just don't do something stupid and screw it all up.
Dude, go forward with confidence. Treat your partner well and expect equal treatment back. Squash the little voices in your head. And, if you think it's affecting how you view your relationship, maybe consider dropping the porn habit since you're getting fucking fantastic sex.Trade-offs, ya know?

Really, if you are reasonably attractive, it's not the looks imbalance you need to worry about. As a healthy relationship cements, these things matter less, I think (though some would argue that they matter more, I guess). I've dated guys that were out of my league lookswise, and appearance had nothing to do with the relationships or their eventual failures. What you SHOULD consider (not worry about) is that this guy is so newly out, with so little experience. And you know what? All that should be is a little extra motivation to keep the sex interesting and innovative. Keep the channels of communication open about his wants and desires (and yours). Don't get lazy.

Consider what compromises you're willing to make in advance, what your limits are (like would you be willing to open up the relationship?). And for the love of all that's holy, don't get jealous, because that will end it faster than you can blink (or at least turn something beautiful ugly).
Wow, Cadillac problems.
Lots of people have fantasies that they would never (or only under very specific circumstances) think about realizing, or ones that simply can't be realized. Stop worrying about it, and you'll feel better.
I'm not following this letter at all. Could we get some pictures and diagrams? That might clear up some of the finer points.

The lovely thing about beauty is that it is personal to us. So your idea of perfection may not be his. He may even see you as the far more handsome. Don't sell yourself short. Don't sell him short. Enjoy yourself and count yourself lucky. Life can be random, the future is unknown, so try to live in the moment.

Take care.
I was in exactly that same position many years ago. Good looking myself (or so says my mom) but with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous boyfriend who had just come out.

The problem, in my amateur opinion, is that most men go through an adolescence of sorts when they come out. Those fortunate enough to come out when they are actually adolescents hit the jackpot IMHO. When you come out later in life (as in the case of my ex) some engage in behavior that is entirely appropriate for a 16 year old, but not so much for a 35 year old.

MM sounds as though he has it much more together than I did at the time. I tolerated things at 35 that the 50 year old me wouldn't even consider. Keep the lines of communication open. Enjoy having a beautiful man on your arm while it lasts. (I don't mean "until you break up". Just that eventually that beauty will fade). Do your best and hope for the best. Often times really good things happen to really good people.
A "probably unhealthy" porn habit?! PROBABLY?! At LEAST once a day? Fuck, get a shrink on speed dial asap, son. How you're not in the nut house already is beyond me.
I'd like to throw in my two cents -- sometimes, when you're with someone who's unbelievably hot, and who almost becomes a sex symbol to you, sometimes you fantasize about them fucking other people *because they're fucking hot, and just the image of them fucking or being fucked is a turn-on*.

I had the same issue when I was 15, with my first girlfriend.
Oh, just to mention. Did anyone see the fucked up "porn is harmful and destructive" stance in the latest Ask Amy column?
Here's what you do:

-Broach the possibility of living out this fantasy with your partner
-If your partner is game (a good sign), lay out a variation on the following set of rules.
+You will pick up the third party; browse online, find choices you're comfortable with, give your partner the pick of the candidates. Keep the lines of communication between your partner and the third parties closed, at least at first. That way your partner won't be able to pursue the third parties outside of your fetish. Spring for a hotel room (though make sure someone reliable knows where you'll be, when you'll be there and with whom).
+Make sure the third party gets tested and vetted! That means documentation (that you are obligated to burn/shred after the encounter).
+You will arrange the evening and be in control the entire time. Your partner and the third are allowed to make suggestions, but you have veto power.
+After the encounter, the third party is gone. You delete their emails (including the emails you sent to them that will be stored in your sent mail box). You erase all text and phone records. You delete any dating site accounts you created. You leave no possible way your partner could find the third.

This seems elaborate and paranoid, but if you have anxiety about this fantasy, maintaining control will be one way to negotiate this. If it works out, you can start relaxing the restrictions. For now, though, the best way to mitigate those insecurities AND get your rocks off is to enjoy this fantasy in as safe an environment as you can manage.

All the best!
MM, why don't you start instead with considering activities for you to share that address the campsite rule for dating where gaps in experience are substantial. That seems to be the concern that legitimizes for you maybe letting your boyfriend fooling around on you. In your case it's more of a catch-up rule, but it still works for the same reason as the campsite rule. If you can find an alternative solution to the real issue, he'll need to fabricate some other excuse to open up the relationship than a catch-up rule. Maybe an alternate solution might somehow play-up on how little he knows.

Or you may decide fulfilling your part in a catch-up rule by opening-up the relationship sets your mind at ease because you decide it gives you more and is therefore the best option for you. Like so much of the advice to DARE in Dan's column this week -- make this about you.
@11 chaseacross, have you pulled this off? Seems far-fetched to me. "You will ... be in control the entire time." People don't work that way. The third party will have feelings and opinions, and even your partner will probably not stand for being treated like a prop for very long.

My advice: don't open the relationship if you're this nervous. Talk about it, fantasize about it, fantasize out loud with your partner... But don't actually bring other guys in until you feel more comfortable.
"Because you're erotic imagination is..."


"Don't complain to your gay friends who don't have boyfriends about how tough it is dating a guy who's as beautiful as your boyfriend. Not unless you want a slap."

Probably best not to say this to your straight female friends either unless you actually enjoy getting slapped.
It is situations like this that make me despair about being a human.

Why, Why, Why is it so easy to get hung up on visual beauty? I have had the misfortune of being made to work with a former Miss [small country], and couldn't get past how much of a jerk she was (I had been married for 6 years and was expecting our first child, so maybe was "inoculated" against her charms. I had to train her, and was happy to never have to deal with her again when finished.). However, she provides me with an example: close your eyes and open your ears. How does another person interact with you in voice? If you LISTEN to how well you and your partner blend, and take that blending to heart, it gets easier to find commonalities to emotionally build from. This also works if the partner isn't as attractive visually as yourself.

Warning, audio cues are also more likely to be repulsive as well. That little sigh and pppppt that happens just when you need to sleep. Or maybe, like the psychiatrist and his wife from "Good Will Hunting", those little flaws become what welds you together; little treats to an ongoing celebration of life.

Ahhh... we human beings are truly complex individuals. One of the great things about being gay is that there's no model to follow - we have to communicate what we're feeling and as a result, I think we ultimately have MUCH healthier relationships.
Besides - there is no love more powerful than the love between two people of the same sex. Go forth, enjoy.. and learn.
My husband is beautiful, and I am not, yet we've been together for 25 years.

Shortly after we got together, I asked him if he were going to leave me for somebody prettier. He looked genuinely astonished and said, "Where would I find another woman as smart as you are?"

Looks aren't everything. You bring the whole package to the table, not just your appearance.

Oh, these kids today...
Is there some reason this can't simply stay behind your eyelids? Not every fantasy has to become a reality.
21've got a gorgeous, bright, fun-to-be-with-answer-to-my-prayers-in-the-sack boyfriend who is willingly serious and you still need porn?

wow you are so special


as soon as he finds someone smarter than you he's gone?


porn is destructive and harmful to real world relationships.

and very addictive.

it gives distorted perceptions and expectations for what is normal, healthy and acceptable sexual behavior. and that tends to render porn addicts incapable of finding (or giving) satisfaction in real world relationships- they are always striving for some porn inspired ideal that doesn't exist and is a gross distortion.

similarly, Danny, with his gorgeous young husband, insists on the right to cheat. not because there is anything wrong with Terri. the defect lies in the cheater.
I know people who'd commit ritual human sacrifice to have this guy's 'problem.'
Well, your boyfriend doesn't have to look like an Adonis for you to fantasize about him fucking other guys. I'm pretty sure I'm as insecure as MM and very early on I realized that I *avoided* really handsome guys because just looking at them reminded me that I'd be in a constant state of insane jealosy over them. But that turned out to be meaningless. I did the same thing with average looking guys. So, now I'm nearing my 3rd decade with my husband and I have a totally different rule of thumb - focus on your friendship. That's what carries your through. Be his BEST friend and he'll be your BEST friend. **Loyality** is the key. And here's the real kicker. I don't care how beautiful the guy is, when you are in love with your best friend, he's the high bar. There's no magic like it, even if he looks like Pee Wee Herman in real life.

I'd also recommend you prepare for what's ahead as far as extra-relationship sex is concerned. Read "The Male Couple" because you'll see that gay couples can have POWERFUL, enduring relationships even while they play around, but that usually comes after a period of exclusivity. Once your developed trust, you also get a sense of how far the leash can be extended and just what impact it has on the two of you. Before I met my guy, I'm pretty sure he'd fucked upwards of 500 guys. I was waaaaayyy behind him in that department (I'm caught up a little) and I *loved* the idea, the fantasy, of him getting it on with other guys. In my fantasies, I got to pick the guys, but in real life, never. There were a few he did it with that I wouldn't fuck with George Bush's dick but he was the same way with me. Bottom line, keep your eyes on the Loyalty Meter. It's the one gadget that matters and, oh by the way, go ahead and propose and marry the guy, open a joint checking account and get your relationship on an *equal* footing from the beginning - and keep it there. In ten years you'll thank yourself because the best guys get snatched from the wild very early. If he's a keeper now, his stock will rise the more love and energy you put into him.
I didn't address the point so here's my addendum:

If you're in love, SECURE THE GUY FIRST. Don't go right into indulging your fantasies. This sounds like Mr. Right and by sharing him around, you'll be exposing him to another potential husband that is NOT YOU. It's virtually universal that when gay men meet that special guy, the go into a phase of their relationship that is **exclusive**. It suicidal to actually start passing your potential life-mate/husband around before you have established that bond of trust. That doesn't mean you can't *fantasize* about it. But consider what this man is going to think of you as a potential lifemate when the first thing you want to do is pass him around. I think a lot of us have had the idea that our parter is so attractive that if you shared him around, he'd attract more sex partners our way. It's a harmless fantasy *after* your landed the guy and established trust. But not DURING the time you're trying to PROVE yourself to him, and he to you. You cut your own throat at the most critical moment of your relationship when you actually indulge such a fantasy. Hell, I'd be talking to the guy about how I was *saving* myself for him to encourage him to do the same for me. Remember - Big Fish don't come down the river every five minutes. Establish TRUST first. Beautiful guys have fragile hearts, too. Don't use him as bait. Someone will take that bait and you'll be standing there with a fishing pole in your hands while he's swimming off with another guy.
@18: I agree with your husband - smart is sexy.
Also, a gym will help you get in better shape, if you want to.
I can't agree with you more. I have a friend in Canada who is happily married, his husband moved from California so they could be married. He talks to me once in a while about his boyfriend and kind of complaining about him. I have to remind him that at least he HAS someone who loves him and wants to be with him.
It annoys the hell out of me when he starts to talk like that and I either change the conversation or stop talking to him.
It would also make LW feel much better to know that the reason why his awesome boyfriend wants to date *him*, is probably that the vast majority of hot guys are complete dicks. He's probably been there, done that, and is relieved to find another guy who is as sane and honest as he is.
I also get turned on by the thought of my hot husband with someone else. As it turns out, I've been able to find a poly situation that gives me opportunities for this. It works for us. You certainly don't have to act on these fantasies, but you certainly don't have to feel guilty about them, and if your BF is into the possibility (once you bring it up, which you eventually will if you guys last and the fantasy does too), it might be a fun experiment for you both.