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We're in our editorial meeting from 9 to 11 a.m., so we'll be observing Slog silence, but look—we made an entire paper's worth of stuff for you! Here's what Birch has to say.

The only thing worse than The Stranger's typical mockery is when The Stranger pretends that it actually cares about something. Far too many pages of this week's issue are devoted to the noxious "Occupy Seattle" movement, about which the less said the better. In case you have more important things to do with your time than concern yourself with the affairs of children, here is what you have missed so far: A handful of gamy poltroons have illegally trespassed on city property in what is probably the busiest shopping thoroughfare in Seattle. Rather than kicking these trust-fund heroes and liberal-arts pioneers out of their urine-scented yurts, Mayor McGinn has rolled out the welcome mat, basically crippling the Seattle Police Department and allowing these indigent whiners a tall, broad platform from which they can throw their feces far and wide.

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Rather than praising Mayor McGinn for his self-destructive act, as you would expect them to do, The Stranger, in a cowardly collection of unhinged, collectively bylined pieces, accuses McGinn of... wait for it... failing to be even more radical. The Stranger pretends to be on the side of the bongo-playing stench-monkeys in order to foment their favored chaos, but I warn the children of the Occupy Seattle movement right now: You may think The Stranger is on your side, but once the winds shift, they'll be on to the next cause célèbre.

Speaking of causes célèbres, the rest of the front of book is devoted to the insane purpose of inciting a run on banks so that what's left of the Obama economy will crumble to the ground. Instead of big banks, they recommend you store your money in "credit unions," which are basically fly-by-night storefronts that take advantage of community spirit. Alarmist screeds by ANNA MINARD, CHRISTOPHER FRIZZELLE, GOLDY, and BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT suggest that big banks are not trustworthy when it comes to handling your funds. I would contend that the exact opposite is true; big banks work because all of our money is in them. They cannot disappear as easily as some insignificant mom-and-pop organization. If ever The Stranger gave you a single piece of advice to ignore—and lest you have never read this column before, let me remind you that you should ignore every piece of advice The Stranger gives you—it would be this one. The big banks are your dearest friends; The Stranger, and its temporary mangy allies at Occupy Seattle, are your foes.

Elsewhere, quickly: BOOKS: There seems to be additional books content in this week's issue, which gave me plenty more to ignore... VISUAL ART: More it's-a-small-world poppycock from the flightiest dimwit who ever dimmed a wit... THEATER: Your usual lame parade of jugglers and acrobats and immigrants and other circus freaks... CHOW: Watery soup, reviewed by a watery brain... SAVAGE LOVE: So gay it ought to be protested.

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