Here's a sign I saw today:

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L.A.s fifth best hospital.
  • L.A.'s fifth best hospital.

You guys, NO!!!!! When I'm coming in for my vagina inspection or whatever, I don't need to be reminded that there are literally twos of other better hospitals with better doctors and cleaner needles and warmer vagina machines! To paraphrase Ricky Gervais, "That's like saying you have Britain's number one wasting disease."

To be fair, though, there are six hospitals in L.A. So they definitely beat Garbage County General (it's primarily a hospital, but they also do cash-4-gold and smog checks). Speaking of unappealing hospitals (LET'S DO, SHALL WE?), remember that show Diagnosis Murder? Those fake doctors went to the worst fake medical school ever.

Patient (Probably Jack Klugman or Something): "Cough, cough."
Dick Van Dyke: "Your diagnosis is...MURDER!"
Patient Klugman: "What? Murder is not a diagnosis. Also, I am clearly still alive."
Dick Van Dyke: "Oh, you're right, I'm looking at my chart again...it's bronchitis. Here is your medicine."
Patient Klugman: "Cough, cough."

Murder is not a disease, you guys. The only time a doctor would say "diagnosis MURDER" is if he was about to murder you, and also he was a real wiseguy. Hey, you know what they should do? They should make a courtroom spin-off of Diagnosis Murder where the judge would be all, "I find you guilty...of LUPUS!!!" They could call it Verdict: Pneumonia. Don't steal that.

TALK TO YOU GUYS LATER. I'M OFF TO DO HOLLYWOOD THINGS LIKE PLAY TENNIS WITH VAL KILMER.

Love,
Lindy